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Open Mike Night at the Fremont, part 4/4
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It had started to get really hot outside.
Every morning the air through the open window of Jensen's bedroom was a little bit warmer, a little bit heavier, so that he woke up with his skin feeling damp and his t-shirt clinging to his chest. He felt the humidity starting to seep into him, teasing the pain in his leg and pressing in on his temples, making him aware of the places where the bones had knit in a way that made his stomach churn.
Jared had left early, brushing his mouth over Jensen's and saying, "Breakfast meeting with Samantha. I have to pretend I've actually been working. Wish me luck," but Jensen had been so out of it that when he finally woke up he wondered if he'd dreamed it.
The spray from the shower hurt his skin and his arms felt so heavy he could barely pull his shirt on, but finally Jensen was carefully navigating the steps down from Jeff's apartment. He opened the door from the stairwell into the loft of the bookstore, making sure it locked behind him, and had to stop for a second to rest.
The space was quiet and dim, and it would be at least half an hour before Kristen and Tom showed up to open the store. The only thing Jensen wanted to do was to sit in one of the big chairs in the lounge, ease himself down into it and close his eyes, but he was so afraid that the migraine that had been stalking him for days would finally catch up to him that he didn't want to take a chance. He split the difference and ignored the stairway, taking the service elevator instead while he leaned on Sadie more than he had in weeks.
Allison was out in front of the Grind, wiping down the tables set up on the sidewalk. She looked up when he passed and paused in the middle of greeting him to say, "Hey. You feeling okay?"
Jensen managed a nod, though it felt like his head was made of glass and might roll off onto the sidewalk if he wasn't careful. "Sure. Just going to the park."
She didn't look convinced. "Isn't Jeff going with you?"
"He's at a bookseller's conference downtown, at the..." Somewhere. The name of the hotel wouldn't come to him, flitting out of his reach even though he knew it, he knew it, and that, more than anything, started to scare him. He reached out for the table in front of him, the chair, because if he could just sit down he would be okay.
"Jensen?" Allison said, her voice gone high and kind of loud, and Jensen wanted to tell her not to shout, that he was fine and she didn't have to look so freaked out, but his vision had gone bright around the edges, tunneling down to just the few feet of the sidewalk in front of him that was now coming at him with sickening speed. It was only at the last second that he got a hand out in front of him, scraping his palm raw on the cement as his knees came down hard before he felt the hot pavement beneath his cheek.
Allison was yelling somewhere far away and Sadie was nosing at him with a frantic whine, and he wanted to reassure both of them but then the pain came down like a wall and he forgot everything else.
**
Jensen wasn't in his room. Even before he felt the IV in his arm and the sickening, floaty sensation of the morphine keeping the pain faint and faraway, he was aware of the light, how the angle was wrong so he knew he couldn't be at home. That was when the first twinges of panic started, trying to beat in his chest and fight their way out through the drugged up haze he was hovering in.
Jeff was sitting beside Jensen's bed with his eyes closed, chair drawn up close with Allison next to him, leaning into his shoulder in support. His face was drawn and lined like it had been a year ago, when Jensen had woken up in the hospital the other time. Jensen felt like he could weep.
"He's awake," Allison said, and Jeff sat up immediately.
"Hey. This was a bad one, huh?" Jeff said, his smile tired. His hand scrabbled across the sheet, found Jensen's and squeezed it once before he let it go. "You haven't had one like that in a while."
"Can we go home?" Jensen asked. There were a million other things he wanted to ask, like how he'd gotten to the hospital and how long he'd been there, but those were the only words that came out.
"Hey, slow down. You're on a morphine drip," Jeff said, looking concerned. "Maybe you should just ride this one out here, for awhile. Plus you've missed so many follow-up appointments, I don't think they're going to let you out of here until they've run a few tests."
"No." He couldn't do that. Couldn't stay. Jensen shook his head and the motion practically made him sick. Then the panic started to make headway against the drugs, made him gasp for air and clench his hands in the sheet and then Jeff was reaching for the call button; touching Jensen's shoulder and making noises about calming down that Jensen couldn't process because the walls were closing in.
At that moment Jared rushed into the room, tense and bright and warm like outside, a vivid presence even through the morphine. Jensen had to close his eyes for a second, his stomach tightening, but the impending panic dissipated a little and he was able to take a deep breath. Jeff stood to meet Jared at the door.
"Jen?" Jared said, voice high and worried, one hand on Jeff's shoulder like he was going to push him out of the way. "Jeff, what the hell?"
"You've got to keep your voice down," Jeff said in a calming tone. "He's okay. It's just a migraine."
"Just?" Jared asked, still sounding upset, but at least his voice was lower.
"Hey, I know it looks bad, and he's in a lot of pain, but it's not dangerous." Jensen closed his eyes again so he couldn't see the unfamiliar angles of the hospital room and wouldn't have to watch as Jeff explained about the chronic residual effects from Jensen's head injury, telling Jared in detail exactly how broken he was. Jensen thought that might be worse than the pain.
Then Jared was next to him, smiling shakily with relief. "Jesus God, Jensen, you scared the fuck out of me."
"Sorry," Jensen whispered, shutting his eyes so he wouldn't have to see how upset Jared was. If he couldn't go home then he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep and maybe not wake up until he could open his eyes without wanting to retch his stomach out, but more than anything he wanted Jared to leave and forget he ever saw Jensen like this.
Jared's touch on his shoulder was light and careful, ghosting up to thread into his hair. "Hey, I forgive you," he said, with an uneven laugh. "Just get some sleep, now. I'm not going anywhere."
**
When Jensen woke up the second time he wasn't alone in the bed. Or at least he wasn't alone on the pillow. Jared was sprawled half into the bed with him, and when Jensen opened his eyes, Jared touched his forehead to the side of Jensen's head. "Any better?"
Jensen was relieved to find that his head wasn't immediately going to explode. "Maybe," he said. God, his voice sounded like crap.
Jared nosed at his cheek. "Jeff's out talking to your doctor. Something about doing tests now that you probably won't hurl in the MRI."
"Great."
"I'm not sure, but then I think you can get out of here."
For now, Jensen thought. Until the next fucking time this happens, and then what?
"I can't go to Boston," he said abruptly.
"Oh," Jared said, taken aback. He lifted his head from the pillow and pulled back to look at Jensen. "Well, it's still a week and half away. You should be better by then, right?"
"I can't go to Boston with you," Jensen repeated, a little desperately, because just the idea was making his head spin. "I can't -- I can't go to that reception with you, either."
"Okay, wait up," Jared said, sounding conciliatory. He sat up. "Just because of one headache?"
Jensen thought he might scream with frustration if it wouldn't probably kill him. "God, Jared -- it's not just one headache. Look at me." He raised a hand to indicate the hospital bed, the IV, the fucking wreck of his life. "This is going to keep happening."
"Okay, yeah. That sucks," Jared admitted. "But... are you just going to hang out here and wait for it to happen? Why can't you do that in Boston?" He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Maybe because they had to fucking sedate me so I could breathe in this place?" Jensen couldn't understand why Jared wasn't getting it.
"At first, sure," Jared said slowly. "Anyone would freak out at waking up in the hospital. But Jen, you're not losing it now, right?"
And that made Jensen think for a second because Jared was right; he wasn't trying to climb the walls anymore and it wasn't just because of the drugs, either. But that didn't mean the idea of getting into a cab to go home didn't make him sweat.
"No. But this -- this phobia I have isn't going to just magically go away," Jensen said, and for the very first time he realized that maybe he'd been waiting for exactly that, to wake up one morning and find everything back to normal. That wasn't going to happen. Saying it out loud didn't make it any easier to accept.
"Of course it isn't," Jared said, starting to sound a little irritated. "No one expects that. But it's already changing. You've been getting better."
"Maybe," Jensen mumbled. "And maybe I'm fooling myself because I want it so bad."
"God, Jen, that's what I want, too," Jared said, moving in all at once to touch him, but Jensen kept his body immobile. "But if it takes longer than you thought, then fine. Forget Boston, for now. I can wait."
"You want that now," Jensen said, and the words made his throat hurt. "I believe that. But what if I never get better? What if this is as good as it gets? Eventually, you're going to get sick of this, Jay, trust me. Hell, I'm so sick of this I can barely get up in the morning."
"That's what you think of me?" Jared asked, and he sounded hurt. "That I'm just going to get tired of this, of you, and walk away?"
The truth of that statement was so painfully obvious that Jensen didn't think he could answer. He kept his voice low so it wouldn't shake. "At some point you're going to realize that you have Boston and Washington and... and the whole world, and I have Fremont Street and a room over the bookstore."
"It doesn't have to be like that," Jared said, like he could convince Jensen by the force of his personality alone, and God, Jensen wanted to let himself be convinced. If only he were able to pretend it wouldn't just destroy him later when Jared actually left.
Jensen closed his eyes for a second so they would stop stinging. "That's what you don't get. It does have to be like that. It is like that. Since last year and I didn't choose it, but that's how it is. So this," Jensen's voice gave out on him, faltered for a second but he kept going. "So this isn't going to work."
Jared's hand closed once around Jensen's arm, convulsively grasping. "What are you saying?" he asked, shaking his head.
"I'm saying I can't do this," he said brokenly.
"You've just decided that? Right now?" Jared's voice shook. "It isn't even worth it to you to try?"
The stunned grief in Jared's voice slammed through Jensen's chest, easily a match for the pain pounding through his head.
"It's too hard," Jensen said softly, the words feeling like they were scraping out of his throat, and he saw the exact second when Jared's hurt turned to anger. Thought he would probably remember it forever. Jared hesitated just a minute before he turned abruptly and started toward the door.
"No matter how much better it gets, I'm never going to be who I was before," Jensen said, his voice as harsh as his hopelessness could make it.
Jared paused in the doorway, looking out into the hallway. When he turned back to Jensen his eyes were bright, his mouth a thin, set line. "Maybe that's true. But you want to know something? I never met that guy. I met you. And I've spent my whole life thinking I'd never be that lucky."
And he was gone before Jensen could draw a breath to answer.
**
Open Mike Night at the Fremont.
8:00 pm Thursday, June 23
Theme: broken hearts
It's bitter and it's yours. Tell us about it.
I'd rather have the hope of you,
Ah, Love, I'd rather grope for you
Within the great abyss
Than claim another's kiss-
Alone I'd rather go my way
Throughout eternity.
(Angela Morgan)
"Just come with me," Allison said, handing Jared a cup that smelled like cinnamon.
His favorite. And she wasn't wheedling and she wasn't looking at him so Jared knew he must look like he was about ten minutes from a breakdown. She'd been treating him with caution in the week since Jensen had kicked him out of his life and Jared didn't know if he appreciated it or resented it.
"Maybe you can talk to him," she said.
"Talk about what? He made it pretty clear where he stands." Jared sipped his coffee morosely.
Allison pushed her lips together. "You're the one leaving for Boston tomorrow morning, and it's going to be months before you're back here. But if that's how you want to leave things, hey. Whatever." She shrugged.
"I have to be at the Drake by eight." For the reception he'd imagined going to with Jensen next to him. Keeping him grounded. Jared set his coffee on the counter.
"So go for ten minutes," she said. "See what happens. At the very least, say good-bye. Why waste that suit?"
Jared looked down at what he'd pulled together for the formal event, black on black, open at the throat, and decided she had a point. Saying good-bye was the mature thing to do, the adult thing.
And if he could show Jensen what he was giving up, all the better.
He followed Allison to the Fremont, heart going double time when he stepped through the door. Jeff was on the main floor, and looked over in surprise before joining them, leaning down to kiss Allison before he turned to Jared. Jared's brain blanked. God, he must have been sunk pretty deep to have missed that development.
"Jared," Jeff said easily. "I didn't expect you tonight."
"Just came to say good-bye," he answered. "I leave for Boston tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? I didn't realize you were leaving so soon." Jeff said. "That's too bad. We're going to miss you around here."
Jared's mouth quirked. "I appreciate that, but I'm not sure you speak for everyone." It came out far more self-pitying than he intended, but before he could try to fix it he followed Jeff's furtive gaze toward the stairs. So Jensen was in the loft. Without a word Jared made for the steps.
He had no idea what he was going to say when he got up there, what he was going to do; maybe kiss Jensen or possibly shout at him, but the second he saw Jensen it was like the air went out of the room.
Jensen was standing at the back of the space, wearing a pale-striped, button-down shirt over worn jeans that Jared remembered peeling off of him, looking so much healthier than he had in the hospital that Jared felt weak with relief. Jared wanted to go over and touch him just to make sure, yank Jensen into his arms to feel him breathe, wanted it so badly he had to clench his fists. Jared started toward him, but then Jensen looked up.
And immediately turned away. Jared felt like he'd been punched.
"We're going to get started," Mike said, and the din started to quiet down as people took their seats.
"I can't believe he's acting like this! Don't worry about it," Allison hissed into his ear. "God, I'm sorry I made you come. Look, just sit down so it doesn't look like you came here just for him." She took his arm and started leading him to a couch near the stairs. Jared felt too dazed to do anything but follow.
"We've got a lot of people here tonight," Mike said. "Introspective agony is obviously a popular theme. Who wants to go first?" Mike looked around expectantly.
A girl with braided hair stood up and started talking about stopping clocks and the world ending while Jared watched Jensen. He was sitting at his usual spot at the back counter, leaning against a stool so the weight was off his leg, head bent like the papers he was reading were the most absorbing thing in the universe.
Jared didn't even try to act like he wasn't staring. It was surreal to think that he'd traced that impassive profile with his mouth until Jensen had laughed out loud, had slept with that now-rigid body wrapped bonelessly around his for hours, because now Jensen had pulled back inside himself like the last four weeks had never happened. He wasn't going to go over and touch Jensen, or even talk to him. There wasn't any point.
There was light applause and Jared was vaguely aware of the braided girl taking her seat.
"Okay, that was brutal. And awesome." Mike looked down at his list. "Who wants to go next?"
Jared stood up. He needed to leave, get out of this room and this city so he could breathe again.
"Jared Padalecki, fantastic," Mike said, and Jared glanced at him in confusion. "Ready when you are," Mike continued.
Jared paused, looked over at Jensen who had lifted his head and stilled like he was frozen. "I want to be with you," he said. Shrugged, helpless. "That's all. And I have no idea how to make that happen when you're too much of a coward to try."
There was silence, total fucking silence that seemed to stretch forever before Jensen looked away first, head bent. There was a tremor in his shoulders, but he made no move to get up. Then Jared was moving down the stairs, taking them two at a time.
"Okaaaay," he heard Mike say. "Thank you, Jared. Improv is rare but encouraged here at open mike night. Who's up now?"
That was it. Over. Out of the store, out of the city, out of the country, even. As soon as he could manage.
Maybe for good this time.
**
Jensen was shaking.
Shaken. Down to the core, down deep where maybe no one would notice if he didn't move from that spot, but he was going to have to move eventually and when he did, he wasn't sure where he would go. He didn't want to talk to Jeff, didn't want to face Allison, didn't want to really think about what had just happened.
As soon as the speaker finished he moved from his place at the counter and ducked into the stairwell leading up to the locked door of Jeff's apartment. He let Sadie sprawl on the landing and lowered himself down to sit on the top step where he could still see a slice of the room below. He'd never stopped there before and the view was skewed and off-kilter but that was perfect, because he needed a new perspective on a place where he was going to have to be without Jared now.
He leaned his head against the wall and listened to poems and biblical quotations and song lyrics; on and on like there was no end to the flood of people who wanted to talk about how their lives had been ruined by love. So much grief, but all he coud think about was his own. That, and the look on Jared's face as he'd walked down the stairs, moving so fast Jensen couldn't have followed him even if he'd wanted to try.
He thought about Jared's words and Jared's sculpture, and how tomorrow it would be gone, with Jared, too, and how he would probably never get a chance at either of them again.
He looked down at Sadie. "I promised I'd see it before it came down, didn't I? Let's go for a walk."
**
Jared fell backwards onto his bed, stared up at Rothko between the city lights and tried to figure out how drunk he was. He'd had two shots of jack before the event even started, then spent most of the night sipping whatever champagne concoction anyone put in his hands, in between smiling and agreeing with anyone who told him he was brilliant. It made him feel better and worse at the same time, and so did the knowledge that at this time tomorrow he'd be in Boston doing the exact same thing with the members of the ICA Board.
He glanced at the phone and thought about calling Jensen. Thought about the rigid line of Jensen's back as he'd turned away. He closed his eyes again.
Not drunk enough, apparently.
As soon as he closed his eyes the phone rang, like he'd conjured the sound, and he had to read the caller ID twice before he registered the words 'Fremont St. Book Co.'. He considered not answering it, even as he was hitting the 'talk' button.
"This is Jared," he said, his voice as even as he could make it.
"Hey."
"Jeff?" Jared sat up and rubbed his eyes.
"Yeah... look, I don't want to interrupt, but..." he trailed off, then coughed. "Look, this is kind of embarrassing and he's probably going to be pissed, but after last week -- just, how long is Jensen going to stay there? Should I wait up?"
Jared shook his head, trying to clear it. "Stay where? What are you talking about?"
"Isn't Jensen with you?" The words were quick and urgent, and Jared caught the fear behind them, felt it catch at his breath.
"No. No he's not -- I haven't seen him since the book group. He's not with you?" Obviously he wasn't, if Jeff were calling, but Jared had to say it while he tried to wrap his mind around the idea, dull alarm bells going off in his head.
Jeff's silence was tense. "He's not here," he said, finally. "I haven't seen him in hours."
"Then where the hell is he? Fuck, he could be anywhere --" Jared began, but stopped dead because Jensen couldn't be anywhere. Jensen never went anywhere, not any place that would still be open. Jared glanced at the clock, saw it was almost midnight and felt his alarm ratchet up a notch. "Did you check the park?"
"I'm going right now," Jeff said, with hurried sounds of movement in the background.
"I'm coming, too," Jared said, needing to move, needing to do something. He barely remembered to lock the alley door behind him, his feet racing ahead of his mind as he entered the park and found Jeff standing by the bench Jensen always stopped at. It was empty.
"Anything?" Jeff asked him as Jared ran up.
"No. Goddamn it!" Jared looked around in mounting frustration, took a breath to calm himself down. "But he's probably okay -- he's got Sadie, right? And his phone? Did you try it?"
"What do you think?" Jeff's words were clipped, almost angry. "I've called ten times. The battery's dead."
Or Jensen had deliberately turned it off. Jared felt his neck prickle as he looked at Jeff in the darkness. "What's going on here, Jeff? What aren't you telling me?"
Jeff waited so long, Jared started to think he wasn't going to answer. "It's a year. Tonight it's been a year since the accident."
"That doesn't." Jared rubbed his mouth and tried again. "Why would that matter?" he asked, but again he was just talking, just making his head work because memories were cascading through it: the shut-down look in Jensen's eyes, the constant exhaustion that Jared could see lurking just below the surface... the hopeless expression on Jensen's face when he'd said, "It's too hard."
"Call the police," Jared said. His voice didn't sound like his own and cold panic started expanding in his chest.
"What is it?" Jeff asked sharply. "Did he say anything to you?" Jeff obviously couldn't put it into words any more than Jared could, but that didn't matter; Jared could see his own fear on Jeff's face.
"No. And I don't -- I don't think he'd do anything crazy, but we need to find him, and we need help." He hoped to God he was right. His mind raced in circles, going over everything Jensen had said, finally grasping at the memory of the restaurant four weeks ago and Jensen making a promise. "Stay here and wait in case he comes back. I've got an idea."
**
Jensen took a deep breath, the wind off the lake fresh and clean against his face. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting on the grass in front of Jared's fountain, but there were only a few people left in the park; couples and a few scattered groups of tourists even at this late hour, like they knew it was their last chance, too. It was so perfectly peaceful he wasn't ready to move.
He was so tired.
So fucking tired; from the bus ride that took an hour because he got on the wrong line, the curious glances he and Sadie got, the faint and free-floating panic he'd felt as the bus took him farther and farther away from Fremont Street. But it was worth it, all of it worth it for this; the water and the skyline and Jared's floodlit sculpture, like the brightest thing for miles. He'd been grateful that the sun had already set when he got there, so no one could see the expression on his face.
Jensen leaned his side into Sadie's, let her hold him up a little. It was a little overwhelming to think that Jared had made this amazing, powerful thing, with his gifted hands and his beautiful heart, and even if Jensen never saw Jared again, he would be grateful to have seen this.
Even more grateful that Jared had made him want to see it. He'd missed a lot in a year. He didn't want to miss anything else.
Jensen got to his knees with Sadie steadying him and stretched out his back, staring up at the fountain one last time. "Well, if we want to see it again we're going to have to go to Washington," he said to her. "Maybe we'll do that, huh?"
"Jen?"
Jensen turned at the sound of his name, moving too fast so that he had to fight to keep his balance. Then Jared was there, falling to his knees beside Jensen and reaching out, grabbing him and taking them both down to the ground, enfolding Jensen so completely he could barely breathe.
"Oh, God, Jen," Jared said, putting his mouth on Jensen's cheek, his neck, then crushing his lips against the side of Jensen's head like he couldn't get close enough.
"Jared, fuck. What are you doing here?" Jensen asked, feeling a little at sea. He reached up to hold Jared because it seemed like Jared needed it, needed something to keep him steady the way his body was shaking. "I thought you left."
"No. Yes. Shut up." Jared kissed him then, so hard it hurt, leaving Jensen out of breath. "Where the fuck have you been?" he demanded. "Here? All this time?" Jared's hands were moving over him as he spoke, more urgent than provocative, shaping his limbs with long fingers like Jensen was a piece of sculpture Jared wasn't finished with yet.
Jensen couldn't catch up. "Well, part of the time I was on the bus..."
Jared shook his head, talking over him. "Jeff's out of his mind. Fucking batshit -- why would you do that to us? Why did you turn off your phone?"
Jensen looked confused, reached for his pocket, "It's off?"
"Screw the phone; why did you take off like that?" Jared's eyes were still a little wild.
"I don't know if I'd call it taking off, exactly," Jensen said defensively. "I didn't want it to turn into this big thing... and anyway, I left Jeff a note."
Jared stilled at that, maybe paled a little in the darkness. "What kind of note?"
Jensen looked at him, baffled. "The kind that said, 'I'm taking Sadie over to Millennium to see the exhibit before it closes'?"
Jared rolled off of him and collapsed onto his back, dropping his arm over his face. Jensen sat up to look at him. Jared was laughing, but it sounded a little manic.
"Just call him," Jared said, handing Jensen his own phone. "Right now. Really."
Jared sat up while Jensen dialed and propped his elbows on his knees so he could rub his eyes. Jensen watched him warily while he waited for the connection.
"Did you find him?" Jeff asked tightly, before the phone had finished ringing even once.
"Hey, it's me," Jensen said. "What's going on?"
After that, Jensen couldn't get a word in edge-wise. He could only listen in disbelief and try to sputter apologies whenever Jeff took a breath. "I'll be home, soon, I promise," he finished. Jared looked up when Jensen put the phone down.
"Fuck." Jensen said.
"Yeah," Jared answered.
"He didn't get my note."
"Obviously not."
"Wow. I'm sorry. But Jared, God. You didn't really think..." He had to stop and leave it there, because he wasn't able to explain the difference between putting his life on hold and pushing it away completely, since at one low point he wasn't sure he'd known the difference himself.
Jared shook his head. "I know. I know. It sounds ridiculous now. But Jen..." Jared shook his head again, leaned forward and kissed Jensen swiftly, hard. Then he leaned his head against Jensen's. "God, I hope Jeff remembers to call the police back."
"You called the cops?" Jensen was apalled. He didn't know if he should be touched by their concern or insulted into next week.
"You were nowhere!" Jared protested. "It's the middle of the night and you weren't anywhere you should be... What the hell were you thinking, anyway?"
Jensen looked away from him. Looked at the fountain instead. "Did you mean what you said? At open mike?"
"Which part?" Jared looked hunted. "Look, Jen... I was upset. I'm sorry I called you a coward. I had no right, I don't know what it's like for you..."
"No, you don't," Jensen said, softly. "But that doesn't mean you were completely wrong, either." He looked at Jared and grinned crookedly. "I wanted to come here and see how close to the mark you were."
Jared didn't smile back at him. "I meant every word of the other part. I want to be with you, Jen. In whatever way it has to be. I want that more than anything. "
Jensen had to swallow before he could talk. It had been a long time since he'd let himself do anything that had made him feel this afraid. "Me, too."
Then he had Jared pushing him down again, dragging him in and holding him tight, shoving his face into Jensen's shoulder.
"Don't do that to me again," Jared said, his voice muffled. "Don't leave me."
And God, if Jensen had learned nothing else, he knew that was a promise that no one on earth could make.
That didn't mean he wasn't going to try. He clenched his hands in Jared's shirt. "Okay."
They lay there quietly in the grass, listening to the sound of the fountain splashing behind them and the distant roar of traffic on Michigan Avenue. It was all so calming that Jensen almost fell asleep.
"I'm not going to Boston," Jared said, after a minute.
Jensen frowned, suddenly wide awake. He tugged at Jared's hair until he looked up. "Of course you're going. Don't be stupid."
"Not without you," Jared said, and Jensen knew that stubborn expression as well as he knew his own face.
"Don't -- You can't put that on me," Jensen said.
"I'm not," Jared started, but Jensen didn't let him finish.
"No, listen to me. Boston's a huge thing for you, Jared. You need to go, you have to," Jensen said, and wound his hands tightly in Jared's hair like maybe he wouldn't let Jared go anyway. "And you need to give me some time." Jared held his body rigid for a few more seconds, but Jensen felt the fight go out of him all at once, saw the resignation that took its place. Jensen decided to make a promise he knew he could keep.
"But I think I can meet you there."
**
epilogue
one year later
Open Mike Night at the Fremont
8:00 pm Saturday, May 31
Volunteer Appreciation Night
location: roof
tell it to the sky
"Down, down! Come on, you monster!" Jeff yelled, holding a carving board up over his head. "Hey, control this beast, Jensen, because I'm telling you right now -- she eats my steaks and you both fry."
"Harley, come!" Jensen called sharply, and whistled once. With one last lick at Jeff's face, Harley bounded back toward Jensen and curled up happily with Sadie beside Jensen's lawn chair. "Good girl, baby," Jensen said, scratching behind Harley's ears. "Don't worry; I'll sneak you some of the good stuff when he's not looking."
"One dog wasn't enough?" Jeff asked, turning back to the grill.
"Sadie was lonely," Jensen said, giving her a turn, too. "She needed a friend since she's not working as much."
"So you got her a lion?"
"Mastiff," Jared said from near the keg, where he was pulling a beer for Chris. "They were bred to hunt lions, actually."
"Oh, good," Jeff said, eyeing Jensen and the dogs a little warily. "We can do that later."
"Jay, did you actually go to DC?" Allison called out, flipping through a stack of photos from her seat beside Jensen. "Or is this like those fake moonshot sets where they filmed it on a soundstage... what's this supposed to be?"
Jared walked over to her and looked over her shoulder. "You're holding it wrong. That's part of the Capitol dome."
"Uh-huh. And this?"
"Lincoln, maybe?" He dropped down behind Jensen on the lounge chair and automatically reached out, tugging Jensen back against his chest.
"It looks like his shoe," Becca said helpfully, leaning in from Allison's other side. "Or his nose."
"It's kind of like a puzzle," Jensen explained, as Jared said, "Oh, ha," and flicked him in the back of the head.
"Wait, here's a good one," Allison said. "The obelisk, the reflecting pool... that looks like DC."
Jensen leaned over and looked at the photo. "Because I took it."
"I should have known," she said, flipping through the photos again. "Why did you even let him have the camera?"
"Believe me, it was a fight every morning."
"None of you understand my vision," Jared complained, but he shifted so Jensen was leaning more comfortably against him, Jared's long legs stretched out on either side.
"Hey, let's do some of these pieces so we can get over to hear Steve," Mike announced. "Who wants to go first?"
Allison volunteered with a scene from Porchlight's newest play, but Jensen had seen it before and it was hard to pay attention. He found himself looking at the audience instead; at Chris, who sat on the ground next to Becca's chair, rocking slightly as he fed their baby with a bottle, and at Jeff who was watching Allison with a sappy smile on his face that Jensen was going to have to tease him about later.
He glanced at Tom and Mike and Kristen, and could even note Justin's absence with a smile because Justin would have hated every second of this, would have wanted to get moving, get on to what came next.
"Hey. What are you thinking about?" Jared said softly, elbow on the chair arm and cheek resting on his fist, watching Jensen instead of Allison.
Jensen simply shrugged because didn't know how to put a year's worth of healing and a year's worth of happiness into words, and just kissed Jared hard when the applause came for Allison.
Except maybe he could. He looked over at Mike. "I've got something to say."
He felt Jared start in surprise behind him, and felt his own face heat when everyone blinked at him in surprise.
"It's not a poem or anything," he said, feeling self-conscious. "Just something that came up at one of the the book groups last week."
"Enviro-poets?" Jeff asked.
Jensen cleared his throat. "Gay cowboys, actually. Louis L'Amour."
"Well, okay. Not gay as far as we know, but awesome," Mike said. "You have the floor."
Jensen sat up, Jared's arms falling away from him like he was reluctant to let go, so Jensen smiled back at him with one side of his mouth and put his feet on the ground. He leaned his elbows on his knees, and looked down at his loosely clasped hands.
"'There will come a time when you believe everything is finished,'" Jensen said. Then he looked up to see the faces he loved in front of him and the city lit up like a promise, with the black sky spreading above it all like something he could fly into. He smiled.
"'But that will be the beginning.'"
END
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