audrarose

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"Seventeen..." Jeff said, one hand resting lightly beneath the weight Jensen was lifting, ready to catch it if he faltered. "And eighteen. You're done."

Jensen stubbornly did one more rep and then let Jeff help him set the hand weight down, taking a deep breath of damp basement air as he shook out his arm.

Jeff had commandeered part of the storage area beneath the store for a weight machine and tread mill, right about the time Jensen stopped going to physical therapy, saying he needed to get in shape now that he'd hit forty. Somehow Jensen had always ended up going down there with him and had found himself lifting weights every other day, at first in increments so small his face had burned with embarrassment. Jeff had kept him at it, though, and made Jensen use the treadmill, too, on the days it was too cold to walk in the park. Now in the heat of early summer, Jensen was grateful for the cool temperature, even if the whole place smelled like mold.

"Ready for the other arm?" Jeff asked.

Jensen took a breath and nodded, hating the lingering weakness in his left side. After a second's hesitation, he said, "Add five, okay?"

"You sure?" Jeff asked, sounding skeptical.

"Dude. I'm good."

Jeff smiled as he increased the weight. "Hope you actually ate something when you were on that date of yours," he commented when he stepped back. "You need a little more meat on those bones, kid."

"Are you insulting me or trying to find out if I actually went out and socialized like a human being?" Jensen asked through gritted teeth, pulling the weight up to his shoulder as smoothly as he could.

Jeff's mouth twitched. "Whatever works for you. That's ten."

Jensen let out a breath after his last rep, dropped the weight to the bench. "I'm not exactly sure it was a date, but for your information, I did, in fact, go to dinner. At Tres Bean." He tried not to sound smug, and failed utterly. He felt like he was probably smiling like a loon. "You probably expect me to get your dry-cleaning, now."

Jeff just nodded like it was something he'd been waiting for most of his life and then clapped Jensen on the shoulder so hard he almost fell off the bench. "Yeah. It's about fucking time."


**


"So tell me, stranger," Allison said, joining Jared on the sidewalk. "How was the big date?"

Jared turned his face up to the sky, briefly grateful that Saturday had dawned bright and sunny on one of those incredible days in Chicago in June, when the air is perfect for twenty seconds before the humidity sweeps in and crushes everything into the ground. He took a deep breath and started walking.

"Come on, I want the scoop," Allison insisted, falling into step with him. "Who is Gorgeous Mystery Guy when he's not buying coffee?"

Jared put his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders. "Gorgeous. Mysterious."

"Oh, please. Are you telling me you learned nothing?"

Jared was about to answer her, but then he remembered the look on Jensen's face as he described the accident; the casual, off-hand tone of his voice in counterpoint to the way his hands flexed in a white-knuckled grip around the shape of the mug.

"As much as I would love to share, there's nothing I'm going to spill my heart out about at the moment, no," Jared said, turning back to look at Allison when she stopped on the sidewalk. "Besides. I'm still not exactly sure it was a date. In the formal sense of the word."

Allison tilted her head and studied him like he was a biology experiment. "You like him."

"What are you talking about? Of course, I like him," Jared said. "You've seen him, right?"

"No, I mean you like him." She spun around in a circle. "I don't believe it! Jared Padalecki in totally serious like. You're falling in like as we speak!"

"You're deranged," Jared said, turning away to let her follow if she would, but his face was warm beneath his smile and his hands were flexing, remembering the smooth, solid muscle of Jensen's thigh beneath his hands, the feel of Jensen's hip in his palm.

"Okay. It's possible there's a little bit of like going on here," he said when she caught up. "A little," he emphasized over her crowing laugh, "but if you don't shut up about it, I won't go listen to your your latest dramatic interpretation on the roof tonight."

"Oh, like I could keep you away," she said, still laughing, but she dropped the subject and asked him how much he paid for his new camera instead, and if he'd ever bought technology to hit on anyone before this.

She wouldn't shut up about it, either, until they reached the bookstore, but then suddenly he had her fingers digging short, dark-painted nails into his arm as she hissed, "Okay, there he is be casual oh my god or I'll have to flay you," which left Jared looking around in confusion. Jensen was nowhere to be seen, but Allison was walking up to a good looking guy with three-days stubble and a bunch of layered shirts, sort of hippie by way of Armani Exchange, and telling him how getting to meet Lore Segal last week had changed her life again.

Jared figured that must be her bookstore guy, and judging by the way the man's eyes didn't leave her face from the second she walked up Jared wondered why this particular campaign was taking so long. When it seemed like there was a break in the conversation Jared walked up to them and stuck out his hand.

"Hey, just wanted to introduce myself. I don't know if Jensen mentioned me... I'm a friend of his..." and he trailed off, suddenly embarrassed that he'd automatically assumed Jensen had talked about him. "I'm Jared," he said, finally, and held up his camera. "I'm taking pictures for your website."

"Jeff," the guy said, shaking his hand. "Jensen did say something about this... wait. Jared. Are you Jared Padalecki? As in the Memorial exhibit over at Millennium?"

Jared nodded, even more self-conscious, if that were possible.

"And my brother asked you to take pictures for our website." Jeff sounded amused.

"Never tell me I can't book talent again," Jensen said, joining them, with a hand dropped on Jeff's shoulder. Jensen looked paler than the last time Jared had seen him, freckles standing out stark against the pallor of his skin, jaw a little more pinched, and Jared felt a sharp twist of concern. He was about to ask , but then Jensen looked at him with a grin of utter conspiracy that lit up his eyes, and suddenly everything was fine.

"I'm not a professional photographer," Jared said.

"See, how hard was that?" Jensen asked. "You could have said that right away and then you'd have had today off."

"I've been getting a lot of practice admitting that, lately," Jared said, resigned.

"Based on our commission fees, that's probably a good thing. Still, we appreciate it," Jeff said, but he was looking at Jensen, eyes appraising, expression serious. The hand he put on Jensen's shoulder seemed to be for reassurance, but whether it was for Jeff or for Jensen, Jared wasn't sure. "I'm going to make sure Mike and Kristin have the sidewalk sale set up. You good here?"

"No problem, totally good," Jensen said.

Allie walked off with Jeff and suddenly Jared was alone with Jensen, who stood there looking at Jared with that half-smile that might be either indifferent or interested. Jared wanted to ask him things there were probably no answers for yet, so he picked the next best thing.

"Hey, do you want to get some cotton candy?"

Jensen's eyebrows went up. "It's ten in the morning."

"Okay, yes, granted, but I passed the cotton candy booth and it's the real thing, spun right here fresh, not some old stale crap in a bag. I could eat that stuff at dawn."

"You sold me," Jensen said, with a low whistle for Sadie and they walked across the street into the park, Jared feeling more cheerful than he had in weeks.

He glanced over at Jensen and saw that he has smiling to himself.

"What?" Jared asked.

Jensen shook his head. "I'm embarrassed that I'm apparently the only one in this neighborhood who didn't recognize you on sight."

Jared had to laugh. "Don't be. I'm freaked out enough. You know, a year and a half ago I was scrounging supplies out of construction work-site dumpsters? The owner of the gallery I work with pretty much told me to enter the Memorial design contest or else; that's the only reason I did it. I didn't expect to make the short list, let alone win the commission. It's surreal."

They'd reached the cotton candy booth, and Jensen handed him a paper cone of pink spun sugar. "From what I saw of the piece on the net, you deserved to win."

Jared grinned, happy all out of proportion to Jensen's words, but still uncomfortable. "Well... thanks. But I can't explain it. One minute I'm bumming meals off my friends and the next I'm fielding job offers from all over the world? It's hard to explain."

Jensen's smile seemed strained. "Yeah, things can change pretty fast," he said quietly.

"Yeah," Jared agreed. "And it's amazing, but I can't catch my breath. In four weeks I'll be opening the traveling show in Boston, then flying to Copenhagen to research a new piece for the Royal Library, then back to the states for the dedication in DC. I need to work on some of these private commissions in the meantime, too. It's crazy."

"Four weeks, huh?" Jensen asked. He licked a wisp of sugar off his thumb.

Jared nodded absently, but didn't say anything, completely distracted by the sudden thought of how much he wanted to taste the cotton candy in Jensen's mouth.

Lick it off his lips.

"That's not very long," Jensen said, apparently concentrating on keeping the spun sugar on the cone.

"Hmmm?" Jared said, finally listening to Jensen's words. "Yeah, you're right, it isn't." He thought about it in dismay. Then he brightened. "But, hey. There's a reception the last night of the show. It's a big black-tie thing at the Drake, probably boring as hell, but maybe if we went together it would be fun. What do you think?"

Jensen looked at Jared in surprise, then tossed his empty cone away, brushing his hands off. "My hands are a mess, now."

Jared tried to hide his disappointment. "I guess that's a no, huh?"

Jensen shook his head, but he wouldn't meet Jared's eyes. "No, it's definitely not a no," he said quietly.

There was something there, something Jared was missing, but the day was too beautiful and he was too happy to pursue it. 'Definitely not a no' actually sounded pretty good. "How about this?" he asked. "How about you tell me after you see how bad these pictures turn out?"

Jensen looked up with a half-smile. "Deal."

"I better get going, then. But let me get a test shot. You and Sadie," Jared said, holding up his camera.

Jensen looked briefly alarmed, then reached down to pet Sadie at the last second so Jared's shot was the side of his face more than anything else. "She's more photogenic than I am," he said, by way of explanation, his expression rueful. "I better get to work. Oh, and hey -- the thing tonight starts at 8."

**

Jared spent the next hour milling around the bookstore area, ostensibly watching Mike and Tom do storytime with puppets and taking pictures of the kids, but surreptitiously watching Jensen talk to customers and ring up books. Every once in awhile Jensen'd catch Jared looking, and then Jared would have to make a dorky kind of half-wave and get really engrossed in framing a shot, which was frankly starting to get embarrassing, but the way Jensen looked kind of worried him.

Just little things, but Jared noticed the paleness of Jensen's skin grew a little more pronounced and the sharp edges of his shoulders slumped a little more, and when he went to the cash register to help a woman with a double-stroller, he leaned against the stool like he'd fall if he didn't. Jared started toward him.

"Hey, it's lunchtime," Allie said from behind him, making him jump. "I need a gyros from Papa Gus like breathing."

"Yeah," he said, watching Jeff walk over to Jensen and look at his watch. Jensen stood up and stretched, started back toward the store. "Yeah, okay."

Allie took the camera from him. "Your first day as a professional photographer going well?" she asked, reviewing the photo log. Then she shook her head. "Dude. These are like, pieces of things. A bench leg. A tree branch. And... candid shots of Jensen."

"Not all," Jared said defensively, taking the camera back. "That tree branch divides into 3 separate spans that twine back toward the top -- I could do that in copper wire and glass."

Allie crossed her arms. "So at the end of the day you're just going to walk up to Jensen and say, 'Here you go - I got this shot of the sidewalk and twenty pictures of you'?"

Jared reviewed the log. "I better get a few other shots."

"Yeah. I'm thinking yes."

**

Open Mike Night at the Fremont
8:00 pm Saturday, June 7
Volunteer Appreciation Night
Location: roof
Tell it to the sky.
(Also byob. Don't make us do this sober.)

"How you doing?"

Jeff's question was casual, more offhand than anything else, but Jensen heard the concern behind it. He'd felt almost resentful when Jeff had suggested he go up and rest. When he was lying on the over-stuffed couch in Jeff's white-painted apartment with Sadie curled up next to him, bright light and fair noises drifting in through the open windows while he dozed, he'd felt left out, like a little kid sent to his room while his friends played outside in the summer heat. But now, stretched out on a lawn chair on the roof with the night sky overhead and the migraine at bay and his body rested, it was easy to smile back and nod.

He tipped his head back against the head rest as Jeff sat down next to him. "Afternoon go okay?"

"Good crowd, good sales. I always complain like hell beforehand, but somehow it always comes off." Jeff paused. "Your friend was looking for you."

"Jared?" Jensen said, sitting forward. "What did you tell him? Did he say if he was coming tonight?"

Jeff shook his head, smiling. " Just that you'd be back later for open mike night. You can tell him yourself," he said, indicating Jared who was coming out the fire door with Allison. He saw Jensen and cocked a hand in a half-wave, the two of them walking over to where Jeff and Jensen were sitting near the railing.

"The brothers Grimm," Allison announced as they approached, but she was smiling at Jeff like he was the only one there and Jensen had to wonder if Jeff was going to need a wrecking ball to hit him over the head with it at some point. "You guys ready to rock? Or, read, rather?"

"Been waiting all day," Jeff said, returning her smile and standing. There was a split second where they just goggled at each other and Jensen tried really hard not to roll his eyes back so far they hit his brain, before Jeff finally said, "Can I get you a beer?" Then he looked at Jared and Jensen like they'd sprung up from the ground. "Any of you?"

Jensen waved a hand and Jared said, "Hey, I'm good for now," at the same moment Allison said, "I'll go with you." The two of them headed off to the keg without another word or a backward glance, and Jensen almost had to bite his tongue, because maybe he wanted to ask Jared if Allison was really interested in Jeff, but he was also not an eighth-grade girl.

Jared took Jeff's seat. "Hey, you disappeared earlier," he said. "I was going to bring you a snow cone."

"Just had some stuff to take care of." Jensen smiled and hoped it looked guileless. 'I had to go take a nap' wasn't the impression he wanted to give Jared, not with Jared sitting right beside him looking tan and strong and practically brimming over with energy. Jensen just wanted to touch him, put his hands on that golden skin and absorb some of the vitality coming off of him like sunlight. With Jared next to him, Jensen could almost remember what it was like to feel like that himself.

The feeling only grew during dinner, with Jared laughing and trying to make him try grilled bananas, during the parade of readers when Jensen could barely concentrate on the words they were saying, could barely hear them over his shocking awareness of Jared's body just inches away, warming the air between them as the night cooled off.

"Finally, we have one of our regulars with us tonight," Mike said from the opposite end of the roof. "She's blonde, she's tiny, and she makes a kickass latte. Put your hands together for the lovely Allison Mack."

"Hey, Allison's up," Jared said, smiling with such affection Jensen tried to look at her, too, but all he could really do was watch Jared from the corner of his eye and feel the heat of Jared's body, warm skin that smelled like sunshine and summer. It had been so long since he'd been aware of someone else, aware of his own body wanting someone else, that he couldn't think.

Allison moved over toward Mike and sat down on the cooler next to him. "This is something I found that made me think of a friend of mine. It's short, but I liked it. Plus Salinas pretty much rocks." She took a breath, and began,

"Your task
is to carry your life high,
and play with it, hurl it
like a voice to the clouds
so it may retrieve the light
already gone from us.
That is your fate: to live."

There was a light applause when she finished, a couple of friendly whistles, and Allison stood and dropped into a deep courtesy, like she'd just finished an aria at the Met.

Mike nodded and clapped a few times. "Okay. Way to go, Allison, deciding to take a break from the inner pain of simply living. Bold choice," he said, as Allison cheerily flipped him off. "We're gonna wrap it up here, kids, because I know you all want to go hear Abakus. Thanks for playing."

Jeff stood and started thanking everyone for helping out, and most of the people scattered around the roof began making moves to pack up their blankets and chairs. Jared didn't move so Jensen didn't move, but he watched the activity feeling weirdly empty.

He didn't want to leave. He wanted to sit there in the dark with Jared some more, maybe until the sun came up, so for the first time since he'd started working at the Fremont he found himself wishing more open mike readers would magically appear. He'd even take the guy with the beard who always quoted Mayakovsky in Russian and smelled like he lived in the Fremont's basement. Jensen wasn't entirely sure he didn't.

Jensen practically jumped out of his skin when Jared slid his hand over his own, like it was nothing, like lacing their fingers together didn't almost make Jensen's heart beat out of his chest. Jensen looked at their clasped hands, and then up to where Jared was smiling at him a little warily.

"Do you really want to go listen to Abakus?" Jared asked, his voice low, pitched for Jensen alone.

Jensen swallowed. "I'm not really a fan, no."

Jared's smile grew broader. "Good."

"Hey, Jen, should I wait for you?" Jeff was standing by the fire door, holding it open while Allison stood behind him on the steps, holding a blanket.

Jared pulled his hand away and Jensen almost groaned in disappointment. Instead, he cleared his throat. "I think I'm going to stay here for awhile," he called.

"Yeah?" Jeff looked from him to Jared. "If you're sure."

And then Jensen had to practically roll his eyes at the way Jeff lingered like he wanted to say something else, probably something about navigating the stairs or not staying up too late and then Jensen might have to die of embarrassment. He widened his eyes in Jeff's direction and tried to impart the words "Seriously, leave now," by the force of his stare alone, but it didn't seem to be working. Then he relented and touched Sadie's head, trying to look reassuring.

Finally, Jeff smiled and turned down the steps, saying, "Fine, fine. Leaving, now. Play nice."

Jensen realized they were alone on the roof. Finally. He had to take a breath.

"Your brother seems like a really good guy," Jared said after a second. "He really looks out for you."

"I'm lucky." Jared seemed to be waiting so Jensen tried to explain. "After the accident, I wasn't -- I wasn't doing too good, you know? He let me move in, gave me a job once I could handle it... he really didn't have to do that."

"Dude, he's your brother. That's what family's for, right?"

"Yeah, but -- he's my half-brother." Jensen struggled to explain. "I mean, he was thirteen when my mom married his dad, and by the time I was old enough to remember anything he was already out of the house at school. I always thought when he came home that he was the greatest thing ever, but it's not like we were really close."

"Yeah? Well, like I said. He's a good guy."

"Yeah." Jensen sat in silence for a minute. He wished Jared would hold his hand again. "Can I ask you something?"

Jared's eyes looked huge in the dim light from the streetlights below. "Sure."

"Why did you agree to do the pictures?"

Jared shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I love this neighborhood. Maybe I liked the idea of helping out." Then he glanced over at Jensen, looking a little embarrassed. "Plus. You asked me."

Jensen didn't give himself a chance to think. If he thought about kissing Jared he wouldn't do it, and suddenly he wanted to kiss Jared more than he'd wanted anything in a long, long time. It wasn't smooth and it wasn't easy, and maybe he tangled his hand in Jared's hair a little too tight and pulled him in a little too quickly so that he almost knocked their teeth together, but somehow it didn't matter because Jared only laughed, sounding a little shocked and a lot happy.

Then Jared kissed him back like it was the easiest thing ever, his mouth so soft and warm that Jensen had to put his hands on Jared's face and make it deeper, closer. It was just a kiss, he told himself; just a simple, stupid kiss in the moonlight but it felt like a miracle, making something tight and knotted inside him start to come loose.

"Finally," Jared whispered, leaning his forehead against Jensen's, his breath hot on Jensen's lips. "You've been driving me nuts. Really stupid-crazy."

Jensen made some non-committal sound because that was insane; Jensen was the crazy one, blissing out on Jared's mouth, on Jared's hands cradling his head, on the feel of Jared's body beneath his wandering hands. It was drugging, having access to all the broad warmth of Jared, hard muscle and smooth skin he could feel through the cloth of Jared's shirt. And Jared seemed to like Jensen touching him, too, because he moved closer, put his arms around Jensen, insistent and strong like he wanted to drag Jensen over onto his lawn chair. On top of him.

And wow, that was a brilliant idea, the best one Jensen had thought of in ages, so he shifted his body, tried to get Jared closer, tried to figure out how he could manage it without dumping them both on the ground.

"Jen," Jared said, his mouth against Jensen's neck. He stopped talking to bite a kiss into the soft place under Jensen's jaw, breathe hard for a second. "Jen. You sure you want to do this out here?"

Jensen didn't want Jared to talk. "What?" he asked, feeling a little dazed.

"We're on a roof." Jared's hands curved over Jensen's hips, gripped hard.

Jensen just turned his face to kiss Jared again, and practically saw stars when Jared turned it wild and desperate.

"God, I can't --," Jared said, dragging his mouth away. "Jen, we're outside. On lawn chairs." Jared's eyes were wide and blown dark, and he was laughing a little crazily.

"It's...That's okay..." Jensen said, wishing Jared would stop talking. He slid his hand up under Jared's shirt, feeling silky skin over the hard bones of his ribs and the flat muscles of his stomach.

"Oh, fuck. You're --" Jared's hips pressed up a little like he couldn't help it, pressed a little harder when Jensen rubbed the backs of his fingers over the soft hair beneath Jared's navel. Then he said, "Wait," and put his hand over Jensen's, stilling it, dragging it up to his mouth so when he spoke his lips moved against Jensen's fingers.

"We're on a roof," he repeated. "Practically in public. Anyone could show up here any second, including your brother -- and I want you so fucking much I almost don't care, but we could do this in bed. What do you think?"

The word 'bed' made Jensen pause. In bed with Jared. He pulled back a little.

"It's Jeff's apartment," he said. "You know."

"Do you think he'd care?"

"It hasn't exactly come up before," Jensen mumbled.

"Okay, forget it," Jared said, laughing, but it sounded kind of desperate. "Just come home with me." He put his mouth so close to Jensen's that he was practically kissing him when he talked. "God, please come home with me. I'm just two blocks from here. I have a bed,too." There was mischief as well as pleading in Jared's voice and his hands were warm and possessive on Jensen's back. "I could make you late for work tomorrow."

And that sounded perfect, amazing, even; to be skin to skin with Jared's body hard and close against him all night -- Jensen wanted that more than he could say.

It was just that he also remembered why that was impossible, how it hadn't been possible for almost a year and he could hardly believe that he'd actually forgotten for awhile because Jared burned so brightly there wasn't room for anything else.

Jensen rested his head against Jared's shoulder, drew in the incredible warmth of him and knew he couldn't do it. The disappointment almost made him choke.

"I can't," he said, pulling back. "I'm so fucking sorry, but I can't."


**

Jared was staring out at the alley through the open garage doors of his studio, sprawled out on an old bean bag chair he'd rescued from the guy moving out upstairs, his sketchpad in his hand. He hadn't drawn a line in over an hour, so he grimly picked up the phone on the fourth ring, after glancing at the caller ID. He knew Allison would just keep calling until he answered anyway.

"Progress!" she announced, before he had a chance to tell her to go away. "I can report progress! With you keeping baby brother busy, Jeff was way more receptive to my undeniable appeal."

"Yeah?" Jared attempted to sound enthused.

"Yes! There was sparkage, total sparkage. And there may have been cuddling involved, but I do not hug and tell. So how jealous are you? You can tell me."

"Speechless," he said in a monotone.

"Speechless?" Allison demanded. "Oh, no. No, no, no. Don't tell me there's a problem. I need you to run interference." She groaned. "What happened? You guys were, like, holding hands when I left!"

Jared shrugged, even though he knew she couldn't see it. "No idea -- wish you could tell me. One minute we're practically on top of each other and the next I'm going home alone. I don't know what the fuck's going on, frankly." He tossed a wadded up sketch at the trash basket.

"Wait, are you telling me you got shot down? Well, I don't believe it, write down the date. Don't know the last time I saw this happen... maybe never?" Allison was laughing.

Unattractively, Jared decided.

"Glad I could amuse you." Jared didn't hide his irritation. "Thanks."

"Oh, relax," she told him. "It's only a matter of time -- no one's immune to your fatal charm! Maybe he's playing hard to get. Just call him right now."

Jared shook his head, stared up at the garage ceiling two stories up. "You don't undersand. Look, there's something going on with him that I can't figure out."

"Ah, the inscrutability angle. He's using it to fascinate you. Intrigue you with the mystery. Along with the fact that he's completely smoking hot."

"No, that's not it... It's not about me wanting him. Or just about me wanting him." Because God, did Jared want him. He'd woken up ready to climb the walls with it. "This is something different than that. Something else."

He was surprised at how forlorn he sounded, how close to the truth that statement was. This sick ache he had was so much more than just wanting Jensen's body; it was about Jensen, with his tight smile and his shadowed eyes, with all his scars and secrets and Jared couldn't, couldn't get him out of his mind.

And it was really starting to scare him.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a second. "Aw, honey, I'm sorry," Allison said, in a quieter tone of voice.

Jared closed his eyes. "Whatever," he said. "Don't worry about it, I'm --"

"You know, it's okay," Allison interrupted.

"What's okay?" he asked.

"I know you're freaking, but -- this is just the way it goes, Jay. One minute you're just sitting there minding your own business and then the next the love of your life walks into a coffee shop. Sometimes it really does happen like that. You've got to go with it. Don't... freak."

Jared smiled weakly up at the ceiling. "I think it's too fucking late."

**

"You're quiet today," Jeff commented.

Jensen clenched his teeth and sped up his pace, but Jeff easily matched him. They walked in silence for a few minutes while Jensen could feel Jeff looking at him.

"Did you re-schedule your check-up?" Jeff said, finally.

Jensen shook his head once, harshly. "I'll do it."

"You've canceled the last two," Jeff said, not looking at him. "You're months overdue for a follow-up. I just think it's kind of important you see your doctor at some point."

"I said I'd do it," Jensen said, his voice tight. "I'll call, okay?"

"Hey," Jeff said easily.

Jensen slowed when they reached their usual park bench, leaned his arms on the backrest and caught his breath. "Sorry," he said. "I'm just a little... I think I screwed everything up."

"You're talking about Jared?"

Jensen nodded, sat down on the bench. Right where he'd sat the night he and Jared went out. He sighed. "Fuck."

Jeff sat next to him, and they watched the trees wave in the wind for awhile, birds singing like mad. "You gonna tell me, here? Or do you want me to guess?"

Jensen absently reached down to scratch Sadie's ears. "I kind of... wigged out on him. After you guys left."

"Wigged out, how?" Jeff asked, voice sharper than it had been. "Are you okay? I knew you should have gone to that god-damned appointment... Why didn't you say anything?"

Jensen raised a hand, let it drop. "I'm fine, I'm fine. More fine than I've been in awhile. It was just... God, this sounds so stupid. He asked me to go home with him."

Jeff was silent a minute. "That was a bad thing?"

"No, of course not," Jensen started, but maybe on second thought it was, because his throat started to tighten up and his breathing got a little uneven and when he leaned down to put his elbows on his knees Jeff rested his hand between Jensen's shoulder blades. "He's kind of amazing," Jensen mumbled. "And I'm."

Broken, he thought. And he didn't know if he could ever let Jared see how much.

"It's been a year, Jen," Jeff said after a few careful seconds. "Almost."

"I know," Jensen said. He didn't trust himself to say anything more. He thought about where he'd been at this exact time last year, how completely unaware he'd been of what was coming, just on the horizon.

"Living like this isn't living," Jeff said, roughly. "Never going anywhere but the store, never seeing any of your old friends... Chris called again last week, do you know that? He thinks you're pissed at him, blame him or something."

Jensen rubbed his neck. "I don't blame him, that's ridiculous -- look. I'm sorry. I know this has to be frustrating for you."

"No!" Jeff said, then visibly calmed himself down. "Not for me. Jensen, I just want you to get better. What happened to Justin was awful --."

"Don't," Jensen said, alarmed.

" -- but I knew that guy since you two were rugrats who your mom used to make me cart to t-ball, and I think he'd want you to get your ass in gear."

Jensen closed his eyes and felt Sadie lean into him. He reached out for her blindly. "I just really fucking wish he was here to tell me that."

They listened to the birds sing for awhile.

"Maybe it's something you just have to tell yourself," Jeff said.

Jensen sat back, knew his eyes were bright from the way they were burning, and scrubbed at them once with the heels of his hands. He looked over at Jeff. "That was kind of Yoda-like."

"Yeah?" Jeff said, brightening. "That's good. I can live with Yoda-like."

"Yoda-ish, anyway," Jensen said. He tried to arrange his face into something resembling enthusiasm. "So you up for another lap?"

Jeff shook his head. "I've got some paperwork to fill out on Tom. He's really working out, by the way. Good call, there."

"Yeah, I thought so," Jensen said.

"He's updating the website. He's got some really good ideas." Jeff stood, looked at Jensen consideringly. "But I really need those pictures from Jared."

"You do." Jensen tilted his head back to look at him.

"That I do. Someone should probably go get them." Jeff's smile was broad. "Hey. Make sure you call and tell me if you decide to go anywhere." Jeff turned and started walking back to the store.

Jensen watched him go, thinking about Jared's smile and Jared's hands, and the hurt, angry expression on Jared's face as he was leaving the other night. He thought about two blocks, just two blocks off Fremont Street and how a year ago that would have been nothing to him.

He rubbed Sadie's head where she was resting her chin against his thigh. "You want to go for a walk, girl?"

part three