FIC: So Close to My Heart (j2, NC-17) 2/2

[audrarose]

"I have to assume you're a little more careful during surgery."

Jared looked up from the bran muffin he was absently dissecting with a fork. "I hate raisins."

Mike pulled out a chair and sat down, the 3 o'clock cafeteria coffee rush bustling around him. "They sell other kinds, you know."

"But I like bran." Jared pushed the shredded muffin away and sat up. "Are we really having a muffin conversation?"

Mike sat back, straightened his scrubs. "I might be stuck here for awhile. Mack's got a patient in labor who might need a C. She's hitting 36 hours and hasn't progressed past six, but the patient has a problem with anesthesia."

"36 hours? Jesus. I'm shocked she didn't put the epidural in herself."

"No joke. I think Erica wanted it hooked up about the time we got the positive lab results back." He crossed his legs at the ankles. "So, Dr. Padalecki. Amuse me."

Jared sat back and smiled, mirroring Mike's position. "I spent the night with Jensen last week."

Mike may as well have been a statue. Jared tilted his head and smirked. Waited patiently for him to break.

"Funny." Mike's voice was tight. "He hasn't mentioned that he's suddenly gay."

"Relax. I didn't spend the night with him, exactly, just at his place." In his bed. Where Jensen had flung a Thomas the Tank Engine quilt over him while he slept. Jared put his head down on the table. "Fuck, Mike. What am I doing?"

"Having some sort of mental breakdown, obviously."

"Obviously." Jared lifted his head and peered up at him. "You'd let me know, wouldn't you? If Jensen told you he was suddenly gay?"

Mike raised his eyebrows. "I think you'd find out before I would," he said dryly. Mike's pager went off. "Gotta go. Look. Don't forget about Saturday, okay? My one job is to make sure you and Jensen show up, so tell your boyfriend, too. And Erica said to remind him about the soup."

"Soup?" Jared asked, but Mike was shrugging, already moving toward the door.

It was as good an excuse as any. Jared picked up his phone.

**

"Why did I have to tell her that I cook? Am I insane?" Jensen asked, eyes fixed gloomily on the words Pike's Market standing out in dark relief against the sky.

Jared looked up, too, puzzled. "Are you asking the sign?"

"I was just making conversation!" Jensen came back to earth. "Parental, responsible conversation! She's a caterer, I said I cook, too, and suddenly I have to make soup. How does this happen?"

Jared shrugged. "You know Erica. Remember when she was putting up frames every time Tyler drew on the wall? Maybe this is a validation thing." Jared swung Jonah over a puddle. "Trying to make you feel like you're doing a good job or something."

Jensen looked hunted. "I am doing a good job."

"Well... yeah. And maybe this is her twisted way of telling you that."

"By sending me a recipe for Golden Beet Soup. Who the fu..." Jensen glanced at Jonah. "Fudge... ever heard of golden beets? Aren't beets supposed to be red? What if they don't carry them here?"

Jared looked around at the fruit and vegetable stands stretching practically an entire city block. "I'm guessing they have alien vegetables here." Jared held a plastic bag open so Jonah could toss an apple into it. "And if they don't have magical golden soup beets, use red ones. What's the difference?"

Jensen tossed an apple from behind his back, sank it in the bag. "And he scores. The difference, Jay," he continued, with a sort of frightening patience, "is that this thing is tomorrow, Erica is expecting soup made from a vegetable I'm not even sure exists, and if I fail I'm going to face total humiliation and, I don't know... probable death." Jensen gestured at the sky, presumably indicating the wrath of God.

"I think you might be a little unclear about how important soup is to a party." Jared closed the bag and they followed Jonah over to a stand of bananas.

"This is Erica. Would you want to take a chance? Besides, I need to make a good showing. Jonah, I don't think we need twenty bananas."

"But Dad, I like them!"

"Yeah, I know, but I think five will work. Can you count out that many?" Jensen started picking through a bin of tomatoes, lowered his voice. "My ex-mother-in-law is going to be there."

"Samantha's coming to the party?" Jared asked, keeping his voice low with an effort. "How did that happen?"

Jensen nodded at Jonah, happily laying out bananas end to end across the table. "She's his grandmother. He adores her. How can I not let him see her during the holidays? This seemed like the least painful solution. Lots of interference."

And Jensen would spend the day with Satan if it would make Jonah happy. "Correct me here, but doesn't she pretty much hate you?"

"Well, yeah, but -- Jonah, can you put some cherries in a bag?"

"How many? Can I count them?"

"Knock yourself out." Jonah moved a little farther down the aisle and Jensen watched him go, arms crossed. "Yeah, she's still holding me responsible for Alona being in Bosnia trying to win a Pulitzer instead of popping out grandchildren here. Hell, she's probably right."

"Jen --"

Jensen gave an off-handed shrug. "It doesn't matter. The point is, Samantha's going to be there, Erica's mostly insane; it's kind of important that I ace this soup thing. So you want to help me out and look for golden beets here? Since you're only bringing... whatever it is you're bringing."

"Wine," Jared said, with a satisfied grin.

"Typical." Jensen sounded disgusted.

"Take it as a tribute to your competence. Erica wouldn't ask me to cook for her party if there were monkeys on the guest list."

"Uncle Jay's gonna cook?" Jonah asked brightly, handing Jensen a bag with about twelve pounds of cherries in it.

Jensen raised his eyebrows. "That would be a no. If Uncle Jay were cooking we'd be eating mac and cheese. And twinkies."

"Cool!"

Jared held out his fist and Jonah tapped it with his own. Jared had taught him that when he was three and it still never failed to amuse.

Jonah turned to Jensen. "Dad! Dad, I want to see the guys throw the fish. Can we go see the fish? Please?" Jonah said, employing puppy dog eyes shamelessly.

"When we're done here, monster," Jensen said grimly. "We're still on a beet quest."

"But I want to talk to the lobsters in the tank!" Jonah spun in a circle. "It's like Larry on Spongebob!"

Jensen glanced at Jared. "He likes to name them. I don't see how it can end well."

Jonah started singing the Spongebob song, and Jensen shook his head. "You know, for what I'm paying Nala, he shouldn't even know that song. Hey, Jonah -- can't you at least sing it in French?"

"Look, take him to see the fish," Jared said. "I'll find the beets."

"Yay!" Jonah flung himself at Jensen, who hauled him up with one arm, grinning back like he was five himself. Jared felt like his stupid heart was turning over, which after ten zillion years of medical school he knew was physically impossible.

"How about this," Jensen said, turning his smile on Jared. "We'll go see the guys throw the fish, and I'll buy some salmon to throw on the grill. That way we can save Uncle Jay from mac and cheese for at least one night."

"Like I'm going to say no to that," Jared said.

"Awesome." Jensen put Jonah down. "Wait for me, Jonah," he said as Jonah ran to the end of the aisle, starting his song again. "You're sure you can do this?" he asked Jared.

"I think I can handle it." Jared mentally rolled his eyes.

"Okay. There are some other things on this list, too." Jensen shoved bags of fruit into Jared's arms, then held up the list, warm fingers closing over Jared's when he reached for it so the paper crumpled between them. "Jay, I'm trusting you. Golden beets. Not red. Golden."

"Go," Jared said sincerely. "Buy fish. Name lobsters. I'm good."

Jensen still looked skeptical, but he left Jared with the list and turned back to Jonah. "I'll meet you in front of the fish market. Come on, buddy -- race ya."

Jared watched them go, letting his thumb brush over the spot where Jensen's fingers had closed over his.

"Your son's adorable. How old is he?"

Jared turned to the woman who was smiling at him from behind the vegetable stand. "Oh, he's not --." And then it hit him. She didn't mean his son, she meant their son, his and Jensen's. The sudden hollow of longing that opened in his chest was about a mile deep.

"He's five," Jared said simply, just letting her believe it, and maybe letting himself believe it for a second, too. Then he took a breath of reality. "Hey, do you have any idea at all where I can find golden beets? Seriously. Do they even exist?"

**

"You're here," Erica said, about three seconds after he walked through the Rosenbaum's door.

"Uh -- yes?" Jared said warily. He handed her a bottle of wine.

As she took it from him she brushed her hands over his shoulders, like he was going to walk out on stage. "Wonderful. You look wonderful. Go talk to the Murrays."

"Do I know the Murrays?"

"They're the couple fighting by the gazpacho." She nodded subtly toward the room. "Don't you remember them from the hospital fund raiser last June?"

"No."

She pulled him back. "And then see if the Wellings are having a good time."

"Erica, I love you, but am I only here to work the room?"

"Don't be silly." She kissed him on the cheek. "You're here because you're gorgeous and you look good in my house. I love this tie. Okay, go." She waved a hand. "Eat. Mingle. Charm."

"Just so you know, I make about 8 billion dollars an hour. For when you get my bill."

"After loans and insurance and association dues? I don't think so." She shook her head pityingly and walked off.

The Rosenbaum's living room was huge, a swirl of muted colors and tasteful music, but it seemed almost small with a crush of people wandering around with small plates and glasses. Jared managed to snag a drink and some shrimp, studiously avoided the Murrays and wandered past Tom and Jamie who seemed perfectly happy at the bar, so he figured his job was done.

"Was this thing this big last year?" Jensen asked, suddenly appearing beside him. "This is like Woodstock. With Armani."

"I don't know. I had to work." He glanced over at Jensen. The evening was definitely looking up. "You're still mobile. The soup thing worked out, I take it?"

"Hell if I know, I'm afraid to try it -- it looks radioactive. I think Erica called a hazmat team. She didn't hurt me, though, so." Jensen snagged a glass of something pink off a tray, which he glared at before tossing it down in one gulp, grimacing. "Jesus, I walked out of my apartment wearing pot-holders. I deserve a bottle of this. Whatever it is." He glanced up over Jared's shoulder. "Oh great, there's Samantha. Head her off, okay?"

And then he was gone. Jared watched a dark-haired woman who immediately reminded him of Jonah head toward him, wearing a distinctly curious expression. He looked around wildly. The first eyes he met were Jeff Morgan's, immediately followed by the raised the eyebrows of doom. Feeling somewhat desperate he made a sharp turn and veered off toward food.

There was a foot under the table. A shockingly small foot, considering it was wearing cordovan weejuns, and it was sticking out from under the long cloth draped over the dessert table. Jared grinned. He crouched down and grabbed it.

"What are you doing down here?" he said, in the lowest, scariest voice he could muster, while ducking under the cloth. He was rewarded with dual screams of terror and Jonah practically kicking his shins in.

"Ow, ow, you guys! Stop kicking!" Jared said.

"Uncle Jay!" Jonah sounded accusing, even if he was laughing. "You scared us!"

"And this is the Tyler and Jonah Club only." Tyler added. "You can't come in."

Jared thought about the party and the seven different parts of the room he was currently avoiding. "How about making it the Tyler, Jonah and Jay Club?"

They looked doubtful. Jonah looked like maybe he was going to agree but obviously Tyler was going to be the tough one.

"Listen, kid. Let's deal, here," Jared said to him. "What do you want? Cookies? I'll give you cookies." Jared was absolutely not above bribery. When the both boys nodded, he reached up and snagged a plate off the table, then crawled back under it.

"Mom's gonna kill you," Tyler confided, taking two off the top. "These are the Godiva ones."

"Yeah?" Jared said, eyeing them warily. "Well -- we don't need to tell her then, do we? So." He looked at the two small faces looking up at him. "What do we do in this club, anyway?"

"Sit in our fort," Jonah said.

Jared nodded. "Okay. That's cool. Anything else?"

"Eat cookies."

Jared wasn't exactly surprised.

"Oh, and milk duds!" Jonah added.

"Now you're talking. Pass 'em over."

Jonah handed him a box that was half-full of candy and Jared shook a few out into his palm. The opposite side of the table cloth flipped up and both boys yelled as Jensen looked in.

"So the party's under here, now?" Jensen asked, a half-smile lingering around his mouth, and Jared decided that mischievous was really a good look for him.

"Dad!" Jonah protested. "You can't come in!"

"Oh yeah?" Jensen asked, crouching down as the tablecloth dropped down over his back. He reached out to tickle Jonah and then Tyler into helpless giggles. "I can't? How come, you little monsters? Huh?"

"We have a club," Jared said, chewing. He shrugged apologetically. "Sorry."

"Oh, I see." Jensen gave him a look as Jonah collapsed into him laughing, and mouthed the word 'coward' over Jonah's head.

Jared just leaned back on his elbows and grinned.

"Hey, buddy," Jensen said to his son, sitting Jonah upright again. "You need to go talk to Grandma Sam some more. She came all this way to see you."

"I talked to her before," Jonah protested, but Jensen cut him off.

"I know you did, but just go say hi again, okay?" He twitched his fingers on Jonah's ribs. "Okay?"

Jonah nodded, laughing. "Okay, okay."

Then Tyler whispered something in his ear and suddenly the boys made a grab for most of the cookies and crawled out from under the table.

"Deserters!" Jared called after them.

Jensen sat down, leaned an elbow on his bent knee, pale cashmere against charcoal-gray wool, and sighed. "So obviously you're having fun at this thing, too."

"Like I can't even say." Jared said. "How's the mother-in-law front going?"

"Ex-mother-in-law. And I've realized our language really doesn't have enough ways to say 'unbearably awkward'." Jensen looked grim.

Jared thought about how that looked good on him, too. It was comfortably close under the table, weirdly intimate. Jared could feel the warmth of Jensen's body, smell soap and cookies and he just wanted to lean his face into Jensen's and breathe him in.

Maybe Jensen felt it, too, because he stared back for just a few beats past too long, then scrubbed a hand through his hair. "You realize whatever tenuous excuse we had for hiding under the table is now completely gone?" He gave Jared an embarrassed smile; Jared caught a brief flash of white, even teeth, curved lips.

Jared wondered if Jensen wanted to make out. "You mean your excuse is gone," he said easily. "I'm in the club." He shook the box of candy at Jensen and held it out. "Milk dud?"

Jensen grinned crookedly and grabbed the last cookie from the plate. "I'll leave first."

**

It was inevitable. There were only so many tables to hide under after all, only so many ways to slide away from conversations before eventually the wind had to shift into some kind of perfect storm of social disaster, leaving Jared talking to Jensen, the Morgans and Samantha, all at the same time, with Erica showing up to play referee. Mike slid in to join them, obviously smelling blood in the water.

"She's with the AP," Samantha was saying. Jared's boss and his wife were looking politely interested. "It's hard. Obviously, it's hard. I worry. But she just couldn't do her job here in Seattle."

Jensen looked a little ill, but he smiled tightly and said, "Obviously," before taking a deep drink of the pink beverage the waiters were passing around. Jared thought that at the rate he'd been pounding the stuff he'd probably started to like it by now.

"Not enough explosions, I imagine," Mike added helpfully.

Jared wasn't completely sure, but it looked like Erica kicked him subtly in the ankle. She smiled brilliantly. "Well, we all miss Lo."

"All these people, wanting to leave Seattle," Jeff commented. "I don't get it. It has everything. Scenery. Culture. The premiere pediatric cardiology department on the West Coast." He smiled pleasantly in Jared's direction, while the rest of the group looked back at him a little blankly. Jared wondered where he could get a pink drink.

"It must be so difficult having her so far away," Mrs. Morgan said into the conversational gap. "Where is she now?" She sounded sympathetic.

"Right now she's in Bosnia. She's done some absolutely amazing work there, too. Jensen -- did you get a chance to show Jonah his mother's new pictures?"

"They were of a truck bombing," Jensen murmured into his glass. "He's five," he added pointedly, when Samantha didn't respond.

"Oh, of course." Samantha said, looking a little taken aback.

Jared felt briefly sorry for her, because if he thought about it, Alona had left her behind, too. The feeling lasted up until the exact moment Samantha said, "Well maybe she'll take some pictures that Jonah will like when she gets here."

For a breathless second Jared thought she meant 'here' literally, this party, right now, Alona breezing in any minute, and from Jensen's face it was clear he thought the same thing.

"Alona's coming in?" Jensen asked, with admirable calm, Jared thought.

"The day after Christmas," Samantha said, and Jared thought she looked as nonplussed as Jensen. "I'm sorry, but -- didn't she tell you?"

There was a moment of dead silence before Erica began talking to the Morgans about their holiday plans, in a loud, bright voice.

"I haven't heard from her since before Thanksgiving," Jensen said. His carefully even tone made Jared's chest ache. "Did you say anything to Jonah about this?"

Samantha looked at him askance. "I wouldn't do that," she said finally, her voice cool. "But I really hope you'll find time in your schedule for Jonah to see his mother."

Erica was urging the Morgans toward the bar but she glanced meaningfully in Jared's direction before she left, tilting her head toward Jensen. Like he needed to be told, Jared thought. He looked over at Jensen, worried.

Jensen's lips tightened. He finished his drink. "If Alona decides to let me know she's actually interested in seeing her son, I'll see what I can do. If you'll excuse me."


**

Jensen had been in one of the upstairs bedrooms for almost ten minutes and had said next to nothing, just grimly drank the coffee Jared had brought him like it was medicine. He was sitting hunched forward on the bed with his elbows on his knees, staring down at his hands and when he finally spoke he addressed the mug.

"You know, it's a lot easier to pretend she doesn't exist when she's on the other side of the world." Jensen set his cup down on the night table and rubbed his eyes. "She's going to want to see Jonah. Of course. It's not like I can stop her."

"Hey, Tom's right downstairs," Jared said, instantly concerned. "I'll go get him. You can ask him what her rights are."

"No, no. I mean, of course I can stop her, legally. I've got full custody. But.... Jesus, Jay. She's his mother." Jensen shook his head. "We send her emails," he said, softly. "He draws her cards and we send them in big envelopes to whatever part of the world happens to be blowing up at the moment..." He looked up at Jared, desperate. "I never wanted him to feel like she was really gone, you know?"

Jared moved over to him, sat next to him on the bed like that was support enough, when this close he could see that Jensen was pale to the lips, freckles standing out stark on his cheeks and body thrummed tight with tension. Jared knew the news had shocked him, but this extreme reaction seemed a little too intense.

"Are you worried about how Jonah's going to take it?" Jared kept his voice even, cautious. He didn't want to ask if it was the prospect of seeing Alona. Jensen heart-broken over the memory of someone 4,000 miles away was one thing. Heart-broken over the living, breathing mother of his child who was showing up for a holly-jolly Christmas reunion was another.

"Yeah, but that's not -- God, I wish I was that noble." Jensen laughed shortly. "Of course, I'm worried he'll be upset. I think I'm more worried that he won't be. What if she shows up and he...?"

Jared was at sea. "He what, Jen?"

"It sounds so fucking selfish." He looked up at Jared, suddenly intent. "It's not about sharing," Jensen said. "I go out of my way -- I mean, since the day he was born I've wanted him to be surrounded by people who love him. I can't make up for her, I know that, but there are other people who love my son -- Mike and Erica and Nala and my parents and you -- Jay, you love my son." Jensen sounded like he was amazed by that simple fact.

It wasn't a question but Jared felt blindsided, gut-punched to hear Jensen say it. "Yeah," he managed.

"But I don't think she does," Jensen went on, oblivious, angry. "Not in any way that makes sense... he was so sick and she never once... she left. She doesn't get to just walk back in here and be his mother." The last word was bitten off like Jensen just couldn't say it, like it was making him sick.

Jared felt his throat tighten in sudden understanding. "God, Jen," he said, roughly. "You're everything to him. She's not going to take him away from you. She couldn't." Jared grasped Jensen's shoulder, like he could make the words sink in.

Jensen bent his head, with so much defeat in that one movement that Jared couldn't stop himself; was suddenly so goddamn sick of stopping himself that he slid his hand over to cup the back of Jensen's neck and then just kept going, dragging his fingers up into the soft, short hair at the back of Jensen's head. He didn't even need to tug, just used the lightest pressure when Jen turned his face to look at him and then their foreheads were almost touching. Jen made some kind of sound in his throat that spoke directly to the part of Jared's brain that was blindingly aware that Jensen's mouth was right there, so close he could feel the soft exhale of Jensen's breath against his lips, and then it was too late because Jared had to kiss him. Had to lean in close and kiss Jensen's mouth; feel it go wet and soft and open underneath his while the universe fell apart somewhere else.

He knew the exact second Jensen's brain came back on line. Jared felt the tension ratchet through him as Jensen's hands came up and gripped his shoulders, fingers closing hard enough to hurt. He pulled back at the same time as Jensen pushed him away, lips flushed and eyes shocked, his expression frozen.

Jared stared back, feeling his heart stutter in his chest. "Jen," he started desperately, completely unsure what he could say that could possibly fix this, but Jensen looked shattered. Jared thought he might do anything to take that look away.

Jensen stood. "I've...I've got to get Jonah. Get home," he said, sounding shaken.

"Don't go," Jared said, standing, too, and shaking his head, reaching out even though he knew touching at the moment would be a huge, huge mistake. "Jensen, come on -- just wait."

But it was like Jensen couldn't hear him anymore, couldn't see him, walking out without another word and taking most of Jared's life with him. Jared stared at the door that Jensen hadn't even taken the time to slam, the enormity of the loss echoing in the silence around him right up until the moment he picked up Jensen's cup and sent it flying to shatter against the wall.


**

He had the cab drop him off in front of the steps, counting fifteen floors up and two windows over even before it pulled away. Jared told himself he wouldn't call if the light wasn't on, and then dialed anyway when he saw the window was dark.

"Come up," Jensen said, as soon as he picked up the phone, sounding almost resigned. Jared felt like the elevator ride was endless.

Jensen answered the door in dark flannel pajama pants and a worn gray t-shirt that looked like it had been washed about a hundred times. He was bed-warm and rumpled but his eyes looked hollow, his face pinched like he'd only been pretending to sleep, and the only thing Jared wanted to do was step in close and pull him in. Jared started thinking he'd made another huge, huge mistake.

Was convinced of it when Jensen turned back into the dark apartment without a word, leaving him to follow or not.

"I'm sorry," Jared said, immediately. "I mean, I know it's late... I don't want to wake Jonah..." He trailed off awkwardly.

Jensen wouldn't look at him. "Jonah stayed at Tyler's. Sleepover." He leaned against the back of the couch. "I think Erica wanted to give me some privacy for my nervous breakdown."

"Is that what you're having?" Jared asked.

"Thinking about it."

The distance between them made Jared ache. "You're a good father," he said impulsively.

That made Jensen look up at him in surprise. "What?"

"That's what I wanted to tell you. Before I fucked everything up... " Jared stumbled a little, but pressed on. "You're the best, Jen. But I think somehow -- maybe you don't know that."

Jensen was shaking his head. "Look. You don't have to do this," he said, already pushing the words away.

"Listen to me. I watch you with him," Jared said, stepping closer. "I can see how happy he is, how confident... He's convinced that the world is a good place and that's you, Jen. He's like that because of you." Jared searched for the words. "God, anyone can see how much that kid is loved. Don't let Alona coming in for a... for a drive-by take that away from you."

Jared couldn't see Jensen's face in the dark, could only see the tension in the line of his body and hear his sharp exhale of breath.

"Jesus, Jay," Jensen said softly.

"And I know, God, I know I screwed things up and freaked you out, and I get that you don't want me..."

"Don't want..." Jensen started, but then he moved before Jared could say anything else, moved right up into Jared's face and twisted his fingers into Jared's hair, gripped tight and pulled down so hard that they didn't so much kiss as collide, crash right into each other. There was heat and sudden pain, a rush of sensation over so fast that Jared didn't have time to react before Jensen was pulling away, rubbing at his bruised lip and staring back at Jared. There was nothing in his expression that helped Jared's confusion; just want and fear and something almost sad and fuck it, suddenly Jared didn't care about trying to figure it out.

He put his hands under the hard lines of Jensen's jaw and dragged him back; found his mouth and licked over Jensen's lips until he opened them. He kissed Jensen like he was starving for it because, God -- he'd been hungry for years and now Jensen was here and his and he couldn't stop. He put his mouth everywhere on Jensen's face, wanting to taste; lips and cheekbones, stubbled jaw and corded neck, sucking hard enough to make Jensen groan. To make Jensen break suddenly, and kiss him back.

And Jesus. Jensen kissed like he was trying to crawl inside Jared. Hard and frantic, his hands on Jared's face and in his hair, pulling Jared in like Jared was going to disappear, mouth rough over his skin, grazing with his teeth but always coming back to Jared's mouth like he couldn't keep away.

"Jen, God," Jared said, moving his hands to Jensen's body, touching his shoulders and arms, feeling the soft cotton of Jensen's shirt slide over the smooth skin of his chest, like Jensen had put it on just so Jared could pull it off of him. The cloth came away and left Jensen staring back at him, looking dazed, with his hair a mess and his eyes a blown, shocky green and if Jared didn't want to think about what they were doing, he definitely didn't want Jensen to think about it, either.

He just wanted to feel this, all of this, all of Jensen, so Jared pulled him stumbling through the hallway, never letting his mouth or his hands leave Jensen's skin until they were staggering into the bedroom and he was pushing Jensen down on the blankets and dragging his own shirt off over his head. Then he was sinking down, falling into Jensen's bed, into Jensen's body; long limbs and hard, flat chest, hearing the soft sound of Jensen's hiss at the first touch of skin on skin, and God, it just made him want more.

More kissing, more touching, licking deep into Jensen's mouth to taste everywhere and leave them both gasping. Jensen's breathing was quick and shallow across his ear, and his body was shaking beneath Jared's. God, Jensen was hard, as hard as Jared was, cock pushing into Jared's hip, and suddenly he had to touch. Had to drag his fingers down Jensen's chest and dip his fingertips beneath the waistband of Jensen's pants, getting one quick, teasing brush of velvet-slick skin before Jensen stiffened for just a second, pulled back just a fraction.

"Hey. Hey, it's me," he breathed, sucking at Jensen's lower lip and biting at his neck, hearing Jensen laugh a little crazily at that but kiss him back, anyway, so he ran his hands over all the skin he could reach, all the places that made Jensen moan and push into him until it was Jensen reaching to drag his own clothing out of the way, rubbing his palm over Jared's cock through his clothes and tugging frantically at Jared's zipper until Jared had to make himself let go long enough to slither out of his jeans.

And then it was just the electrifying first touch of cock against cock, a slick slide to line them up with Jensen gasping, "Fuck, Jay," into his mouth like a curse.

Jared was desperate to move, desperate to just rub against him, fuck into him until he came but he pushed their hips together instead. "Give me your hand," he said roughly, and closed his own over Jensen's, fingers entwined so he could show Jensen what their clasped hands could do.

Slow, almost rough strokes that made Jensen shudder, made him whisper Jared's name and "please," and "oh, God" until Jared thought he would lose his mind if he couldn't come soon, couldn't come now, but then Jensen stilled, shuddered in warm, pulsing spurts over their fingers, so that Jared was shattering, breaking into component parts before he was swept over the edge.

Seconds of harsh breathing, slow encroachment of reality but Jared didn't give Jen a chance to pull away. He just dragged his discarded shirt between them, a lazy pass that cleaned up the worst of the mess before he pulled Jensen into him, wrapped him in his arms and buried his face in the damp, heated curve between his neck and shoulder.

"God, Jay," Jensen said, whispering against Jared's ear like his voice didn't work. There was a shocked tension running through his body that Jared wanted to caress out of him completely.

Jared dragged him closer, tangled their bodies together. "It's okay," Jared whispered, lips against Jensen's skin. "Just let me." He repeated the words with soft open kisses until Jensen gave in, let his body relax and his breathing fall even. Jared counted breaths until he fell asleep, too.

**

It was still dark when Jared opened his eyes, laying flat on this stomach and cold all along his side where the heat of Jensen's body had been. He lifted his head in alarm, but Jensen was only inches away, sitting up against the headboard with the blankets pooled around his waist. Light from the window glowed on the smooth planes of Jensen's chest, making Jared want to reach out and put his hands all over his skin. Instead he crossed his arms under his pillow and stared up at the shadows falling over Jensen's face.

"So is this where you freak out on me?"

Jensen laughed shortly. "No, that's been going on for days." He paused. "The past two years, maybe. God." He rubbed the heel of his hand over his forehead. "What the fuck are we doing?"

Jared came up on his elbow. "Something good," Jared said.

"Yeah?" Jensen asked, sounding unconvinced. "You're leaving town, Lona's coming back -- so of course we do this now." He dropped his head back against the headboard. "God, my timing fucking sucks. As usual."

Jared stared at the line of Jensen's profile, the arch of his throat. "I think you just need to decide what you want," he said, feeling like he was strangling on it. Tell me, he thought. Let me give it to you.

There was a long pause, and Jared started to wonder if Jensen was going to answer.

"You make it sound so easy," he said finally. "I can tell you from experience that just wanting something isn't enough."

There was so much grief in Jensen's voice, three years of grief, that Jared didn't know what to say. The swift rush of anger he felt at Alona for what she'd taken away passed quickly, leaving the hollow thought that maybe, even after all these years, what Jensen wanted hadn't changed at all.

The world stubbornly didn't end. Jared was pretty sure that would happen later but for the moment he made a decision. He crawled to his knees and reached out, closing his hands over Jensen's hips. He pulled Jensen down on the pillow as Jensen stared up at him, curious and wary.

"Maybe this can be easy," Jared said, easing himself down onto Jensen's body, putting his mouth against the warmth of Jensen's lips. "Just for now, okay?"

"Sure," Jensen said, sounding like he was choking. "Just for now."

And Jared began to show Jensen just how easy it was, set out to learn every part of Jensen's body, memorize it, with his hands and his mouth, just in case this was the only chance he'd ever get. Jared explored the hollow of Jensen's neck and the flare of his collarbones, sucked his hard, tiny nipples and nosed at the smooth skin over the strong, hectic beat of his heart; bumped his fingers over Jensen's ribs and put soft, open kisses over the tense ridges of his stomach. He fit Jensen's hipbones into his palms, slid his hands back to cup the firm muscles of his ass, pressed his tongue into the slight dent of Jensen's navel and fucked it gently just to hear Jensen groan.

Jared licked and sucked and stroked and kneaded over every inch of flesh, drove Jensen slowly and deliberately out of his head so that by the time he grasped Jensen's thighs and closed his mouth over the smooth head of Jensen's cock Jensen was trying to touch him everywhere, too, curling up over him and arching up. He shifted beneath Jared's mouth, came up on his elbows, heels brushing against the sheet to turn, curl himself over until to Jared's startled wonder he'd mirrored Jared's position and leaned in to put his mouth on Jared's cock.

It was awkward and messy, completely unpracticed and heart-stoppingly hot, and Jared lost track of what he was doing, what he'd even intended to do in the first place. He found out that Jensen in him and around him and over him was more than enough to destroy thought and turn him inside out. He came harder than he could ever remember, orgasm rushing over him so suddenly he was almost too late to push Jensen back and ended up striping the smooth plane of Jensen's cheek and the hard curve of his throat and making Jensen laugh in surprise. Then he had to rise up and push Jensen down, crawl between his legs and finish him off hard and fast so that Jensen's laugh turned breathless and begging and helpless.

And when dawn finally came, gloomy and grudging, Jared untangled himself from Jensen and dressed without a word, Jensen standing in the door way to watch him, looking broken open and raw.

"I can't," Jensen started, like the words hurt just as much to say as they did to hear.

"I know," Jared answered, and kissed him like it was forever anyway.

**
The south roof of the hospital was the worst kept secret in the building, the place where the attendings snuck off to smoke and the interns fled to cry and to ask God why they hadn't taken the LSATs instead. Jared always wondered if it was wise to let strung-out, exhausted type-A's have their nervous breakdowns four stories above the ground, but at that moment he was glad. The echoes of despair seemed fitting. Comfortable, even.

"If you've got a cigarette, I'll kiss you."

Jared simply stared down at Mike's loafers and scowled.

Mike dropped down next to him, propped his back against the wall. "Sorry. I suppose that was in poor taste."

"I guess you've talked to him, then. Nice to know he's still alive."

"If you can call it talking. He's wallowing more than you are." Mike looked over at him. "Where have you been, anyway? I called you Christmas morning -- thought you might want to spend the day chez Rosenbaum. See my kid open Christmas presents on top of hauling in eight days of Hanukah loot. It's like watching vultures gorge."

Jared half-smiled. "Sorry I missed it." He thought of Abby Creighton's dim room in ICU, the soft beep of her heart monitor. "I've got a patient in end-stage cardiac failure. We're looking at 24 hours. Maybe."

"Ah." Mike sat in a silence for a moment. Then he said, "You really don't have any cigarettes, do you? How do you brood without supplies?" He looked at the ground and picked up the bottle next to Jared's hip. "This is it? Snapple?"

Jared shrugged. "It's peach," he said, defensively.

"Lucky I come prepared." Mike pulled out a pack of Marlboro Lites and a book of matches from his pocket, offered them over.

Jared hesitated. "Screw it." He shook out a cigarette and lit up. "I'm taking that job in Rochester."

Mike held a match to his own cigarette. "Oh, good. Because you definitely belong in a research lab. That's why you haven't left the hospital for more than fifteen minutes in the last three days."

Jared exhaled, watched the smoke float away. "Not a research lab -- the research lab. I worked my ass off for seven years to get this opportunity, and what -- I'm just supposed to give it up and wait around for him to stop pining for his ex-wife? Suddenly see the light? You were right. What kind of fucking moron walks around with a two year hard-on."

"That's all it is?" Mike looked at him, typically placid, and Jared sort of hated him, pity-cigarettes or not. "Did Jensen ever talk to you about Alona?" Mike asked, looking away abruptly.

Jared remembered Jensen opening up to him at the party. Their disastrous kiss. "Briefly," Jared said, gloomily.

"She's smart," Mike said, like he was starting a grocery list. "Talented, obviously. Sort of freakishly intense. Has kind of a vicious sense of humor sometimes, but I have to admire that in a person. And God. So freaking hot." Mike leaned his head back against the wall and glanced at him. "Not like Erica, of course. But still."

"Great," Jared said morosely. "This is really helping, by the way."

"I introduced them in college. She was one of Erica's sorority sisters, he was my best friend -- it was perfect. She was perfect. In every single way, except for the part where she left him and Jonah."

Jared glanced over at him, but Mike's casual tone never changed.

"Jensen was the one who wanted kids," he continued. "I'm not saying she didn't try. As much as she was able. But I had to watch him spend the first two years of Jonah's life trying to make her stay. I watched him get his fucking heart torn out by inches. She's never been there when it mattered; not when Jonah was sick, not for anything. You think about who has."

"Mike. I'm really tired, here. What are you saying, exactly?"

Mike sighed, looked at the burning tip of his cigarette. "He won't ever ask you to stay, Jay. Even if it's what he wants. I'm saying you should know that."

Jared stared at the gravel between his shoes. "And what if it's her? What if Jensen wants her?"

"Then he's still more fucked up than I thought. But maybe you two idiots should have a conversation about this before you jet off across the country and hole yourself up in a lab somewhere."

Jared glanced over at him. "This is you being really, really nice, isn't it?"

"Don't sound so amazed. It's happened before." Mike sounded miffed. "And you should go home and get some sleep. You look like total shit."

Jared managed a smile. "Wow. Thanks."

Mike blew smoke at the sky in a particularly long suffering way. "Well, you did ask me to tell you if I thought he might suddenly be gay."

**

The buzz from Jared's cell phone woke him from a dream of trying to phone Jensen but not being able to dial the numbers, his fingers overly large and clumsy. He grabbed the phone, still half-dreaming and anxious.

"Jen?" he said, throat scratchy and raw.

"Dr. Padalecki?"

Jared sat up, swiped the sleep from his eyes. "Speaking."

"Dr. Padalecki, This is the National Organ Donation Center. We have a heart en route for transplant, patient Abigail Creighton. ETA at Seattle Children's Memorial, 47 minutes."

Jared's beeper went off as he ended the call, and he was out of bed before the first sequence stopped.

13 minutes to the hospital.

The clock started ticking.

**

ICU didn't have Christmas lights like the other sections of the hospital, no looped garland or hanging snowflakes that could get in the way of monitors and machines. It did have one lone poinsettia at the nurses' station and a few cards tacked up near the lobby. And 10 hours after Jared left his apartment it also had an eight year-old girl with her new heart and her grateful parents and their entire world in one room.

Jared watched them through the ICU window, exhaustion and adrenalin buzzing through his body, stringing him out and setting him up. He didn't know whether to run stair laps or just collapse on the floor, so when Jeff walked up to him and crossed his arms, staring through the window, too, he didn't move at all.

"Well, Dr. Padalecki," Jeff said, softly. "That makes 235."

Jared thought about 235 mended hearts and all the broken ones he might still be able to fix; puzzles he could put back together, piece by precious piece. Maybe Jensen would never be able to ask for what he wanted. Maybe he'd never figure out what it was in the first place, but in the end, Jared could only decide what he wanted for himself.

"235," Jared repeated. He turned to Jeff and smiled, exhausted and certain. "And counting."

**


The park was crowded. Four days after Christmas was just enough time for the combination of no school and new toys to start to pale, for desperate parents to want to get them out of the house. Jared looked over the playground and the swings, noticing a lot of the usual Saturday morning kids there with their parents, but not Jonah and Jen. For one insane, breath-stopping second he imagined that Alona had shown up and they'd reconciled in some miraculous Hallmark movie moment, jetting off to Paris and now he'd never see them again.

"Uncle Jay!" Jonah's screech was like heaven. He turned toward the sound just in time for Jonah to barrel into him, wrapping small arms around his legs and practically knocking him off his feet.

Jared reached down and put his hand on Jonah's back, breath and heat and life and love contained in one fragile package, and nothing could have stopped him from swinging Jonah up into his arms. "Hey, buddy!" he said, smiling like a loon. "Did you have a good Christmas?" He looked up as he asked, looked for Jensen as automatically as he'd take a breath, and of course he was there, walking toward them. For just a second Jared caught a look of such brief, intense joy on his face that it rocked him down to his shoes.

"It was fun," Jonah was saying. "I got Bionicle big fear mountain, and Tyler got the green alien goop one and we're going to have a war."

"Really?" He turned his attention back to Jonah with an effort. "That sounds awesome."

"You can play, too. And I have your present I made at school, so you need to come over." Jonah frowned. "You didn't come at Christmas."

"I know, buddy. I had to work. It sounds great, though," Jared told him, and looked over at Jensen as he said it. "I'm sorry I missed it."

"So am I," Jensen said, his mouth twitching into a grin that Jared wanted to kiss. "I've been prying toys out of packaging for days."

"I want to play on the swings," Jonah announced.

"Okay, I'll see you later, man." Jared hugged him once more and put him down.

"Stay where I can see you," Jensen called after him as Jonah ran off. "Ask your mom to push you."

Jared had been expecting it, had absolutely assumed, but the words still punched a hole in him. "So... everything's going okay?"

Jensen looked at the ground, considering. "Well, the actual divorce was slightly more painful, I think. If you want to look at it positively." He grinned up at Jared, wry and self-mocking, and God, all Jared wanted to do was grab him. "I didn't expect you to show up," Jensen said.

"Jen," Jared said, raising one hand, helplessly. "God, what do you think?" He let it drop and watched Jensen's face still. Jared found himself holding his breath.

"Spend New Year's Eve with us," Jensen said, rushing the words together. He paused. "Can't promise a party, exactly -- you're probably looking at a cut-throat Sorry! competition -- and Duck Soup. The movie. I'm not cooking, don't worry."

Jared swallowed. "That sounds great," he said. "I wouldn't miss it." No matter who ended up being there. Jared looked over at a blonde woman with a camera, lingering about 20 feet away. "So. Are you going to introduce me?"

Jensen blew his breath out and nodded. "Lo? Come over here a second."

Immediately she smiled, and walked over to them, confident and quick. "Jonah says I'm not pushing him right," she said to Jensen. "Something about flying...?" She laughed easily.

"Yeah, that's his favorite thing. Uh, Lo? This is Jared."

She was beautiful, which Jared had known from pictures, but she was so slight, so much smaller than he expected and Jared had to remind himself that she hung out in war zones for a living. She was also staring at him appraisingly, all the way through Jensen's introductions like he was the final piece in a puzzle she was trying to figure out.

"It's good to finally meet you," she said, slowly, like it was something she was making her mind up about.

"You, too," he said, and weirdly, it was true, because he could see Jonah in the slope of her nose and in the way she tilted her head, and it was like pieces of a puzzle were falling into place for him, too.

The silence stretched on, stringing out as Jensen stood between them, hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets.

"Dad! Dad, come on! I want to fly!" Jonah's shout reached them, and they all turned toward the playground.

Jensen glanced at each of them in turn, like he might be making a mistake. Finally he coughed. "I think Jonah needs a little help on the swings. But...everybody play nice, okay?" He looked up at Jared. "I'll call you later. About this weekend."

Jared watched him flee shamelessly for a second until Alona said, "I wanted to thank you."

Jared looked over at her in surprise.

"For what you did for Jonah." She looked at him steadily. "A couple years late, I realize, but I just wanted you to know -- well, I don't have the words."

Jared did have the words, all rehearsed, a standard response -- I was part of the team, I was doing my job, I'm glad I was able to help. Instead he simply said, "You're welcome," and watched her nod.

"I've heard a lot about you in the past few days," she said looking over at Jensen and Jonah. "Jonah thinks you're amazing. I think I should probably thank you for helping raise my son, too."

"He's a great kid, no doubt about it," Jared said, feeling trite and foolish even if it was true.

"I'm going to miss him when I leave tomorrow."

That should make him happy, Jared thought. Relieved, fucking ecstatic, even, but for some reason it only made him kind of angry. "Kind of a short visit, isn't it?"

"You probably think I'm crazy for not being here," Alona said, studying him.

"I'm sorry. You don't exactly owe me an explanation," Jared started, but she cut him off.

"It's okay. You know, I never planned it. It's not like I said, well, now I'm going to take this job and abandon my kid and my husband. It wasn't like that. It was just." She took a breath. Gestured toward the playground with the hand holding her camera. "It was just I knew this wasn't for me. There were other things I needed to do, things I'd spent my whole life working for and if I stayed -- well, it might be worse for everyone than if I left." She looked back at him, eyes intent. "I wanted to give them a chance for it to be good. Does that make sense?"

Jared didn't answer right away, because in a strange way it did; Jared had never expected his own life to match some postcard picture, but when he remembered Jensen's grief, he couldn't say he understood. "Why are you explaining this to me?" he asked. He didn't mean for it to sound combative, but somehow it came out that way. He looked over at the playground.

"Hey, don't think Jensen and I haven't had this conversation -- too many times, maybe. But I wanted you to hear it. I know what I gave up."

Jared took a deep breath. "Believe me... I know what you gave up, too."

"I thought you might." She smiled, but Jared thought it looked a little sad. "Are you really moving out to New York?" she asked after a minute.

"No," Jared said, watching Jensen run under Jonah's swing so he flew high in the air. "I told them I didn't want the job." He looked over at Alona and shrugged. Smiled a little, too. "Jonah has t-ball in the spring."

**

"It's a classic."

Jared tipped his head back on the couch and looked over at Jensen's profile. "It's ridiculous."

"That's the point." Jensen leaned back and propped his legs up on the coffee table next to Jared's, narrowly avoiding the pizza boxes, and gestured at the screen. "Watch this. Just watch. It's classic political farce."

"It's a guy standing in lemonade." Jared was warm and full, slightly buzzed on local wine, and in the flickering light from the television he could see Jensen smile in spite of himself. He could hear Jonah's deep breaths as he slept on the love seat, the clock ticking softly in the kitchen.

This could be enough, Jared thought. Just this.

On the screen a hat caught fire, and he snorted.

"Hey, what was that?" Jensen asked, knocking his leg against Jared's. "Was that a laugh? Are you laughing? I thought so. Ha."

"I'm not saying it isn't funny," Jared protested mildly. "I'm just saying I don't think it's the landmark piece of cinema you obviously do. And frankly, I find your obsession with this movie baffling."

"Because tragically, you lack depth. Hey, what time is it?" Jensen asked.

Jared looked at his watch. "We've got ten minutes. Should we try to wake the kid?"

Jensen leaned over and brushed his hand through Jonah's hair, so casually tender Jared had to smile. "Hey, monster-man, wake up. Fireworks time." Jensen gently shook his shoulder. Jonah murmured sleepily, opened his eyes a fraction like his eyelids were glued down, and then burrowed back into his pillow.

"He's really out," Jared said.

"Yeah, we'll let him sleep. We can try again at midnight," Jensen said. He stood and pulled the blanket higher on Jonah's shoulders before walking through the kitchen and opening the door to the balcony. "We can watch from here."

Jared stood and walked over to join him.

There was a photograph tacked up on the refrigerator. He had to stop and look, then take it down and tip it into the light over the sink. It was of the three of them at the park, him and Jensen and Jonah, all winter light and soft focus. Jonah was in Jared's arms and Jensen was smiling at both of them, caught with that look Jared had seen and was afraid he'd imagined, like Jensen's whole world was right there.

He brought it with him onto the balcony. "Where did you get this?"

Jensen turned to look at him, at what he was holding. He took the offered picture in his hands. "Oh." He hesitated, and when he spoke again his voice was subdued. "I asked Alona to print it out. That's definitely a picture I can let Jonah see. She's really good, isn't she?" he asked, handing the picture back to Jared. "I forget sometimes."

Jared took a breath. "I'm sorry it didn't work out with her." There was a part of him that actually meant that. It was surprising.

Jensen gave a half shrug. "Coming up on three years, now -- I've come to terms, you know?"

Jared felt saying it once should be enough, but he tried again. "I meant -- this time. I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it to."

"But it did." Jensen looked at him in surprise. "Jonah didn't freak and want to leave with her... which honestly, I was imagining in detail, let me tell you... and we didn't kill each other, always a bonus. Everyone came out alive. I'm thinking it was a win all around. What's so funny?"

Jared was laughing softly, and it sounded a little crazed. "Nothing, nothing. I just thought... You said you couldn't. You and me. I assumed it was because of her."

"But I didn't mean --" Jensen was suddenly serious. He moved a little closer, so Jared could feel how warm he was in the cool outside air. "Look, obviously I don't know what I'm doing on...pretty much every level here. But I want to stop fucking this up." He took a breath, steeling himself. "So just hear me out. I know the job in Rochester is an incredible opportunity. I know how hard you've worked to get it --"

"I didn't take that job," Jared interrupted. Shrugged at Jensen's shocked expression. "I told them I wanted to 'pursue other opportunities in Seattle'. Or that's what I put in my letter, anyway." He waited while Jensen stared out at the Bay, hands on the railing. "You could join in any time, now."

Jensen looked down, grinned unsteadily. "I'm trying to re-work the part of my speech where I convince you to stay."

Everything went quiet, utterly still, breath held and waiting. Jared stroked his thumb over the photo in his hands. "I think I'd really like to hear it anyway," he said softly.

"No, my speech is stupid. I don't know how to..." Jensen seemed at a loss, struggling with it, but suddenly he was next to Jared, putting his hands over Jared's where they held the photo. "This. I want this."

Jared looked down at the picture, at their hands clasped together, the image lost in the darkness but Jared could remember every detail.

"I want us -- I want us to go to Jonah's t-ball games and argue over movies and... buy a place with a yard, and get a -- a dog if he wants one. I want us to be..." And it seemed like the flood of words had finally run out, but before Jared could say anything he had Jensen's hands hauling him in and Jensen's mouth closing over his, hungry and needing and perfect. Jared didn't know what happened to the photograph after that because Jensen was pushing him against the wall and leaning in to kiss him hard.

"We could be like that," Jensen said against his mouth, words uneven and out of breath. "Do you think.... could we be like that?"

The last part of his sentence was swallowed up by the pop of fireworks in the sky behind them, and when Jared pulled back to look at him in the glow of distant lights his face had gone tense with uncertain happiness. The answer was easy.

"I've spent two years wanting that," Jared said, voice rough. "Wanting you." He watched Jensen's face change, relax into that joy he'd seen so few times before that it was almost unrecognizable. Jared wanted to see it over and over. For the rest of his life.

He rested his head against Jensen's, closed his eyes and leaned in close, with happiness something he could actually touch and the whole world in one place. "Hey." He worked to find his voice. "Happy New Year. Should we go wake Jonah?"

Jensen smiled and pulled him in, kissed him long and dirty and deep. "Not yet."




END

my prompt: Jensen proposes on NYE. Fireworks. :D